The loveologist guide to cheating: secrets to why people cheat and how to prevent cheating.
Female-male relations (Psychological aspects)
Female-male relations (Ethical aspects)
Sex (Ethical aspects)
Sex (Psychological aspects)
|Publication:||Name: Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality Publisher: The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality Audience: Academic Format: Magazine/Journal Subject: Family and marriage; Social sciences Copyright: COPYRIGHT 2010 The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality ISSN: 1545-5556|
|Issue:||Date: Annual, 2010 Source Volume: 13|
|Topic:||Event Code: 200 Management dynamics; 290 Public affairs Advertising Code: 91 Ethics Canadian Subject Form: Sexual behaviour; Sexual behaviour Computer Subject: Company business management|
|Geographic:||Geographic Scope: United States Geographic Code: 1USA United States|
Introduction to the Loveologist's Guide to Cheating
This book does not judge or condone cheating, but it is packed with ammunition on how to Catch a Cheater as well as the Do's and Don'ts when you find out your partner has cheated on you. If you want to know the top 10 reasons men cheat as opposed to why women cheat, this book has the answers. It also contains step-by-step solutions that can turn a cheating heart into a loving faithful heart. There are plenty of juicy tips to turn you on and protect your partner from cheating.
Whether you want to learn how to forgive your partner for cheating, set boundaries and share fantasies to avoid cheating or learn how to catch cheater, this book has it all.
We all know knowledge leads to power, but did you know that sexual knowledge leads to sexual satisfaction? That's right, so get ready to soak up all the knowledge on cheating from who cheats to what people consider to be cheating with statistics to back up all the claims.
As an added bonus you'll discover the sexual secrets to what men and women really need to stay faithful.
This book is for you if you want to eliminate the temptations of cheating, become a great lover and enjoy a healthy relationship.
Section One--Cheating Defined
Just about everyone has a different definition of what cheating is from flirting, kissing, getting a lap dance, having cybersex, giving or receiving oral sex to having sexual intercourse or anal sex.
Knowing your and your partner's definition is key to setting relationship boundaries. Even more important than knowing them is talking about them before one of you is caught cheating. If you have not communicated your boundaries and dealbreakers then you cannot blame your partner for overstepping them or violating them. It's as simple as that.
Once you've had the serious conversation about your relationship rules, then you have every right to hold your partner accountable.
10 Quick Tips to Catch a Cheater
Are you suspicious that your partner is cheating? Don't jump the gun and make any accusations until you have proof. Below are 10 quick tips to help you determine if they could be cheating.
1. Look at their cell phone for personal texts and numbers you don't recognize. If you see sexy texts (sexting) they are communicating with someone else.
2. Keep a Cheating Journal of the excuses he or she used to be home late or attend events that you were not invited to. You can use the dates later.
3. Show up at their job, your home, with friends or sporting events unexpectedly.
4. Try to find a paper trail--including bills, bank statements and receipts.
5. Get a voice activated recorder for their car to listen to conversations.
6. Do they spend a lot of time on the computer? They may be flirting or more.
7. You can put a GPS device on their vehicle to see where they are going.
8. Place a hidden camera in their bedroom if you go out of town.
9. Talk to your partner's friends and exes to find out if they cheated before.
10. Check out their Face-book profile. You should see if they have more than one. There can be a wealth of information on their Face-book account.
Who Cheats And Why?
(A Loveology University Survey)
Between May 2008 and April 2009 -1,055 men and women completed a 12-question Internet survey on cheating. Respondents were from Loveology University as well as students and associates of Dr. Leanna Wolfe. Participation was voluntary; no financial compensation was offered. Relative to recent random sample surveys on cheating, our survey attracted a very large percentage of people who had participated in the cheating triangle (being a cheater, cheated upon and/or a secret lover.) Random sample surveys report about 22% of married men and 14% of married women cheat while 67% of our male respondents and 59% of our female respondents who were either partnered or married report having cheated. Ultimately our survey allows a look into the beliefs and practices of cheaters and their secret lovers. Our most significant findings include:
* Females are most likely to cheat when they are younger (24-45) and males are most likely to cheat when they are older (36-55).
* Males are more likely to cheat and females are more likely to report being cheated on.
* 72% of people who cheat have been cheated on.
* Younger cheaters (18-35) are most likely to cheat for attention.
* Cheaters over 36 are most likely to cheat in pursuit of sexual variety.
* Males seek the satisfaction of sexual desires and fantasies through cheating, while older females (over 56), especially, cheat for companionship.
* Males enjoy their cheating experiences more than females do; females often feel guilty and concerned about the man's spouse/partner.
* Older males (over 56) consider a sexless marriage (54%) and a spouse's inability to have sex for medical reasons (43%) acceptable reasons for cheating.
* Females, who have been cheated on, are more troubled by activities that engender an emotional connection than males who have been cheated on.
* Males and those over 36 are most likely to regard cheating as a means to feel more alive.
* Excitement is more important to cheating males (58%) than cheating females (44%).
* Females and those under 35 are most likely to believe that people cheat because they can get away with it.
* The majority of cheaters between 18-23 (54.4%) and females (52.2%) contend that there are no acceptable reasons for cheating
In that the survey was voluntary, it appears that those who chose to participate had strong feelings about and/or experiences with cheating. Noting higher numbers of males over 35 and females under 45 report having cheated; this distribution is very much reflected in those who chose to participate.
The Definition of Cheating
Having sexual intercourse, oral sex and anal sex are the top cheating activities, but what about mutual masturbation, happy ending massage, naked cuddling, kissing, phone sex or cybersex?
We all have our own boundaries and if we don't share those with our lover then we can't blame them when they overstep them.
I know a married couple whose deal breaker is not to bring home any STD's or get anyone pregnant. If either of them has a sexual desire, they don't deny themselves, but take action to satisfy it. And that's cool with them.
I know another couple whose definition of cheating includes fantasizing and flirting with someone else. They keep each other on a short leash, but it works for them. So, the lesson here is to know your limits including relationship deal breakers and tell your partner because they can't read your mind.
The Difference between Cheating and Sex Addiction
Most people cheat for situational reasons when they are not getting all their needs met at home. They often react to an unhappy relationship and cheating can be a cry for help from someone who feels neglected, undesirable and unloved by their partner. Cheating can be brought on simply by emotional neglect and have nothing to do with sex, on the other hand cheaters often have a mismatched sex drive with their partner. So they seek extramarital sex, but they feel satisfaction after sex unlike an addict who may never feel satisfied. Cheaters can also change when their situation improves at home.
A sex addict has sex with as many people as possible and is unable to control their sexual obsession with others. The thrill for a sex addict can include having unprotected and dangerous sex. A sex addict's behavior has nothing to do with their partner and they have a lack of self control that can lead to destroying their family, work and social life. A sex addiction can cause deadly consequences through having high risk unsafe sex infecting their lovers and even their spouse. Sex dominates their life making it hard (excuse the pun) to have healthy relationships.
Some sex addicts blame others for their addiction and refer to sex as their "Medication" for a quick fix.
So how do you know if you are a sex addict? Well, here are 10 of the symptoms:
1. Do you think about sex so often that it interferes with your concentration?
2. Are you obsessed with a specific sex act such as blowjobs, anal sex or having sex in public places?
3. Are you finding your sex habits are affecting your ability to manage your life?
4. Do you feel you are entitled to have sex with whoever you want?
5. Would life have no meaning without sex?
6. Do you think that sex is the only thing that really gives you value?
7. Have you ever had sex with someone you didn't even like?
8. Do you need the "high" that dangerous sex and the risk of being caught can promise?
9. Are you unconcerned about catching an STD?
10. Do you feel powerless over your sexual urges?
If your answer to all these questions is "yes," then you are potentially a sex addict and you should start by admitting that you have a problem instead of waiting for a disaster to occur such as losing your job, breaking up your marriage, getting arrested or having a major health crisis.
10 Different Types of Cheating
There are many different types of cheating from a quickie one night stand, emotional phone or cyber-cheating, and a secret romance or compulsive sex addiction, but all of them provide the excitement of new sexual heights that result in greater self-confidence for the cheater. All the different types of cheating are based upon "Fear" or "Ego."
The Fear Based Cheater
1--Fear of Rejection--This cheater may be in love with their partner, but cheats because they need approval from others to drive their sexual desires. One partner is not enough for them emotionally, so they constantly flirt and put themselves into tempting situations that they hope will lead to sex.
2--Fear of Intimacy--This cheater is so afraid of getting hurt that they won't allow any feelings of love or attachment. They may say "I love you" but they don't mean it and use sex as a justification to avoid love and intimacy.
3--Fear of Being Trapped--This cheater feels resentful towards their partner for trapping them into a commitment. They cheat with anyone anywhere and often end up hurting everyone.
4--Fear of Self-Worth--This cheater has such low self-esteem that they don't believe there is any emotional attachment to their partner and believes they can find love in all the wrong places.
5--Fear of Power--This cheater has a fear of losing their power, whether it's based on fame or fortune, they abuse their power and cheat to make themselves feel superior to others. They feel an entitlement to have sex with whoever they want and deny any wrong doing even when caught.
The Ego Based Cheater
Virtually every successful person has a strong ego that's fed by his or her success and they are constantly approached by attractive people willing to have sex with them. The temptation becomes so great that I'm surprised when such men and women DON'T act on their ego impulses at least once.
6--Ego of Success--This cheater uses their success and power to seduce lovers whether it is a celebrity or CEO of a company, he or she often feels entitled to have sex. They know that their position is a natural aphrodisiac so there are always plenty of willing volunteers. Success doesn't always breed cheaters, but there are many who will take advantage without any feelings of guilt.
7--Ego of Appearance--This cheater needs to feel attractive and hunts for lovers who will stroke and feed their physical appearance ego. When the opportunity does arise, the thrill of acceptance is difficult for them to resist. They stay with a lover as long as their egos keep swelling and often have a stable of lovers.
8--Ego of Diversity--This cheater wants to have sex with as many people as possible as long as it's more sex, different sex, new sex with a wide variety of partners. Every time they bed a new conquest, it boosts their ego and many of them actually keep a score card, take pictures or videos to keep. When they need an ego boost, they can look at their memorabilia or go hunting.
9--Ego of Opportunity--This cheater is spontaneous and wants to try new sexual activities their partner refuses. Their ego swells every time they get to live out a new fantasy and their attitude is that what their partner doesn't know won't hurt them.
10--Ego of Love--This cheater needs to feel like they are loved emotionally even more than being physically or sexually irresistible. Their ego is fragile and even when they have a loving partner; it's not enough for them to be loved by one person, but many. In their mind, this is what gives this cheater value.
The rationale behind the different types of cheating happens because the cheater has a personal coping pattern of dealing with their own shortcomings. The cheater's behavior has nothing to do with their partner, but the good news is that cheaters can change, but only if and when they are ready.
Different Types of Cheating From Survey Participant
There was ultimately little variation regarding what were the top cheating activities. These are activities that 90% or more of the respondents consider cheating:
We did note that those who have been cheated on noted a wide range of activities that could be considered cheating. Females are much more cheating-sensitive to activities that could lead to an emotional connection. Males begin to equal females in cheating sensitivity when the genitals are involved. The one area where males are more sensitive than females is anal intercourse.
Who Cheats And Why?
Since we queried regarding marital/relationship status, we were able to cull out people who were single or in open relationships (where opportunities for extra-relationship intimacy could be negotiated). 658 respondents comprising 62.3% of our sample fit this category. Of this group 45% were male and 55% were female. Considering the voluntary nature of this survey, a relatively high portion of the respondents had cheated and/or been cheated upon. More males have cheated and more females have been cheated on, but only slightly.
Amongst these potential cheaters, there were six activities that nearly 90% consider cheating:
When addressing why these people cheat, one-third of the females selected either, "they seek to feel alive again" or "they believe they can get away with it." Nearly half of the males selected "they seek to feel alive again," while less than a quarter selected, "they believe they can get away with it." Respondents over 35 were most likely to claim, "they seek to feel alive again," while those 35 and under are most likely to contend, "they believe they can get away with it."
When queried about the possible benefits of cheating, better/different/more sex was the top reason for males (70%) while attention was the top reason for females (47%). Excitement was the second most chosen reason for both males (54%) and females (43%). Baby boomers (58%) and their Generation Y offspring (46%) valued excitement more than the generally more conservative Generation Xers (38%). Companionship was rated as the least important benefit for both males (17%) and females (31%). Those over 56 rated it a bit higher (29%) than younger respondents.
While nearly half of our respondents (49%) and the majority of females (59%) contend that there are no acceptable reasons for cheating, males have many sex-seeking reasons to justify cheating. Younger respondents expect more sexually from their marriages than older ones. Over half of those 24-35 and 61% of those 18-23 do not believe that there are any acceptable reasons to cheat. Over half of males and those 46-55 consider a sexless marriage/relationship to be a reasonable condition for cheating. Over a third of males and those 46-55 (baby boomers) consider the pursuit of sexual activities a partner won't provide and a spouse's inability to have sex due to medical reasons to be acceptable reasons to cheat.
Considering that 72% of those who cheat have been cheated on, we wanted to compare the views of this "veteran" group (n. 440) with our potential cheaters. Male combo cheaters tend to be older than female combo cheaters and are better represented here than in the total survey population. Males find more acceptable reasons for cheating (e.g. being in a sexless marriage; seeking sexual activities their spouses won't provide or are physically unable to engage in) than females. Females are more likely to seek companionship and attention through their cheating, while males are most likely to cheat for sexual variety, excitement and to feel seen, loved and understood. Ultimately our combo cheaters found more reasons to cheat than our potential cheaters with combo males topping all with 63.5% reporting that a sexless marriage/relationship is an acceptable reason to cheat.
Ultimately, what we see here is that those with cheating experience are more likely to espouse justifications for cheating. Combo males' reasoning is slightly more robust than potential males' reasoning for conditions under which cheating ought to be acceptable. Likewise combo females' reasoning is just slightly more affirmative about cheating than that of potential females.
Finally, we examined the responses of our respondents that are over 56 (n. 115). Of this cohort, 74% fall into the baby boomer demographic. Here we found that the males had the most robust reasons for cheating. 54% consider a sexless marriage, 44% the desire for sexual activities their partner won't provide and 43% a spouse who is unable to have sex for medical reasons acceptable reasons to cheat. Females in this cohort are most likely to cheat for companionship (52%) while 72% of the males would cheat for better/different/more sex. And as for why they believe most people cheat, their answers parallel the rest of our respondents with 51% of the males contending that people cheat to feel alive again and 40% of the females claiming people cheat because they believe they can get away with it. Ultimately, what we see here is that a majority of older males consider cheating to be a reasonable means to access sexual activity that is no longer taking place in their marriages, while older females would be most likely to cheat to access the companionship that is missing in their marriages.
Potential Cheaters Comments
Personally, lying to me is a deal breaker, and since cheating is doing something and lying about it, it's a deal breaker. Yes, I've cheated but it was a long time ago and I've learned since then. If I am tempted to cheat I know the relationship is over for me. Female, 37
I think if someone is going to cheat, they should break up with the person they are with. It isn't right or fair to their partner. Male, 43
Cheating is one of the only ways to be truly happy, romantically. No one single person can ever provide every quality that you seek. Female, 19
I don't think cheating is the worst thing one could do to their partner. I see cheating as a chance to learn about each other. Traditional monogamy to me is silly. There are far more important things to worry about. Of course unprotected cheating to me is a deal breaker. Male, 25
My lovely wife and I both had cheating partners previously and had been divorced prior to meeting and becoming friends. We have been happily married for almost 30 years, have 12 lovely grandchildren and always put family first. Openness and honesty has been the key to a loving and caring relationship. Our first marriages were built on passion; this one is built on friendship. It's too bad that most of the time people have to find this out the hard way. Male, 63
10 Steps to Catch a Cheating Partner
In the beginning, I shared short tips to catch a cheater and now I'll elaborate on those tips. If you are suspicious your partner may be cheating, your gut instinct may be correct but it is best not to confront them until you have enough proof to get a confession. One practical tip to catch a cheater is to imagine how she or he will respond to your accusations before you blurt out something you may regret. Will they be in denial or claim that it was just a harmless flirtation or will they blame you for over reacting? Knowing your partner's reactions in advance will help you to catch them and make them accountable for their actions.
1. Look at their cell phone for personal texts and numbers you don't recognize. Then write down the numbers so that you can check them a week later to see if they continue to show up. This is hard evidence of a connection but not necessarily of having sex. However, if you see sexting with explicit descriptions of how they had sex together, it's a pretty good indication they were doing more than just fantasizing.
2. Keep a Cheating Journal of your partner's activities that include all the excuses he or she used to be home late or attend events that you were not invited to. A cheater often trips up when they change their story and forget what they lied about, so keeping an organized journal with dates, places and times can be key to catching a cheater.
3. Surprising a cheating partner is one of the scariest notions for them, so showing up unexpectedly at his or her work, coming home early or coincidentally going to the same restaurant for lunch can trap a cheater red handed.
4. A paper trail is always good evidence, so check out your partner's credit card statements, phone bill, mileage receipts and bank withdrawals to see if he or she is straying.
5. You can hide a voice activated recorder in your partner's car to listen to conversations he or she has with their passengers.
6. If your partner spends more time on the computer than with you, you may want to invest in some computer monitoring software that will enable you to see everything he or she does online.
7. You can track your partner's exact location 24 hours a day by putting a GPS tracking device in his or her vehicle.
8. Planting a hidden camera in your partner's bedroom while you are out of town can reveal everything you were afraid to ask and more than you really wanted to know.
9. Doing some background checking by talking to your partner's friends and exes to find out if he or she has cheated before can save you a lot of time, effort, money and heartache.
10. If all else fails and you are desperate to find out if your partner is cheating, you can hire a professional private investigator that will follow him or her and bring you back the evidence you need to give you peace of mind or confront your cheating partner.
Types of Cheaters
Over half of our respondents (n. 594) report having been secret lovers. On average the females become secrets lovers at younger ages than the males.
The males report many more positive thoughts about their experience than the females, for example:
I enjoy the thrill of the chance of being caught by their (or my) partner. Male, 27
It is exciting while in the middle of the act, however, not long after, the whole thing ends as a disappointment because you are not the end-all-be-all to this person. Female, 25
Note that females are likely to become a secret lover between 10 and 20 years before the males.
Note that there are often dramatic differences between the male and female secret lover experience. Females are more likely to feel disappointed, guilty and exhausted while the males are more likely to feel satisfied and view the experience as life enhancing. The strongest feeling for both genders, however, is excitement.
Secret Lover's Reflections
It was frustrating knowing we could never be together out in the open, and I had feelings of guilt regarding this man's wife. Female, 29
The risk factor of getting caught or someone sneaking in and divulging what they saw makes it interestingly challenging. Male, 22
I didn't choose to fall in love with this guy--I can't help it. He's not happy about having feelings for me either but we are attracted to each other sexually and are friends. Female, 47
It was only about the sex. When she got emotionally attached I was done with it. Male, 38
It gave me different emotions it was exciting and a new experience to be "the other woman" yet I still longed to be the ONLY woman. Female, 17
It was sometimes surreal--like in a porn movie. Male, 38
I want to love and be loved by someone proud to be with me, to be hidden suggests shame and I will no longer put up with that in my life. Female, 57
I felt bad, because their other partner had never done anything "wrong" to me. I didn't want to lie to that other partner. I also didn't want to be responsible or associated with their partner getting blindsided or hurt. Male, 43
Although I totally disapprove of cheating, I fell deeply in love with a married man who, for valid reasons, isn't going to leave his wife. We have now been lovers for nearly a decade. And the funny thing is, it works. Female, 58
Even if you are the most attentive, skilled lover, there is still no guarantee that your partner will not stray. The fact is that the most common reason for infidelity is not sex, but a lack of communication and emotional stimulation. Therefore, the most important ingredient for a lasting, loving relationship is great communication. I cover a wide variety of situations where both men and women have been unfaithful to their significant others for various reasons, show you how infidelity can lead to dangerous situations and how infidelity can sometimes enhance a relationship. What would you do if you discovered that your lover was cheating on you?
Ariana: "I know that it's wrong, but it feels great!"
Arianna and Ted considered themselves Christians to whom monogamy was supposed to be sacred. In theory, Arianna believed in her wedding vows to remain sexually faithful to her husband, but in practice, she indulged in a string of one night stands with multiple anonymous partners. Her husband knew of her fairly regular falls from grace and believed she was entitled as long as he could enjoy a few erotic flings of his own. Because the religious dogma taught by the couples church with its inflexible emphasis on lifelong sexual commitment was so diametrically opposed to Arianna and Ted's actual lifestyle, their confusion over what was right and wrong became a serious threat to their marriage.
CONSEQUENCE--The negative consequences of Arianna's casual sex life were either catching an STD or in meeting the wrong people. Anonymous sex was like gambling, sooner or later, you lose. She should have been much more worried about her health than her religion. However, religious affiliation had become part of their self-identity and posed a problem to them, even if their "sinning" was part of what excited them about their actions.
STRATEGY--The need for sexual adventure and partner variety is innate to all human beings. But with the ability to pursue any active sex life it can become a responsibility and Arianna needed to be encouraged to alter her behavior without losing her sexual need. Her husband also had to be included in the counseling, as his similar behavior could double the risk.
SOLUTION--Appealing to their sense of sexual adulthood (the acceptance of non-exclusive sexual attraction), I consulted Arianna and her husband together. In the confidentiality of the counseling session, the two of them decided that the religious issue could be dismissed when dealing with their sexual dilemma. Rather than criticize them about the dangers of their mutual behavior, I had them make a list of the dangers of getting strangers involved in their sex.
In pursuing secrecy, they were opening themselves up to bribery, being blackmailed, or worse. They were able to identify that anonymous sex contributed to their marriage, but came to realize the need for more safety to self and others was required, and not just in the way of protection. As both parties were aroused by hearing of the other activities, I encouraged them to directly, and monogamously, deal with the voyeuristic/exhibitionistic truism that so appealed to them. This was achieved with the use of sex toys, role-playing and erotic video watching. By the end of our counseling, I had discussed with them the viability of group meetings like "Lifestyles" that take place at major hotels, where couples meet to socialize with other couples. Arianna and her husband eagerly attended the next scheduled "lifestyles" convention, and drew from the acquaintances they made a select circle of intimate friends with similar interests and committed yet open relationships, rather than strangers.
BENEFITS--Arianna and her husband would be less likely to contract an STD or to transmit it to the other, and it reduced the possibility of meeting "Mr. and Mrs. Wrong."
Roger: "Sleeping around is becoming much more exciting."
In the three years since Roger's seven year itch struck, he had found several sexy women to help him scratch it. Denise, his wife of ten years, suspected that her husband was straying but she didn't seem to mind as long as his sexual performance with her was up to par. Recently though, Roger's response to his wife became less than enthusiastic. Even when he tried to adapt to some of the techniques that he employed during his extramarital flings to his sex life with Denise, Roger still found more excitement away from home.
CONSEQUENCE--There was a threat to the marriage, both with the affairs that Roger was having, and the lack of excitement or over-familiarity in his relationship with his wife. An unsatisfactory marital sex life does not necessarily spell the end of the marriage, but it doesn't help it either. If they didn't find a solution, the marriage was destined for destruction.
STRATEGY--It was important for the two of them to clear the air of any hostilities outside the bedroom if they existed, and concentrate on finding a consensus on what could work, by transferring the activity from outside the marriage back into it. Most importantly, Roger needed to focus on what his lovers were doing with him, that Denise was not doing.
SOLUTION--First, I made Roger and Denise promise never to use sexual issues against each other, and likewise, to not allow problems outside the bedroom to enter into the bedroom.
Secondly, I made sure that Roger had informed Denise about all of his flings and affairs. In spite of the fact that Roger had used safe sex practices "most" of the time, I instructed both of them to test for the HIV virus. Fortunately, the results were negative. Even though Denise had suspected the affairs, she had not realized the medical implication to her.
I asked Roger about his lack of erection in front of Denise which made him very uncomfortable, so instead of waiting for him to answer, I redirected the question to Denise. She declared that his erection was perfectly adequate for her and that he had unrealistic expectations. This irritated him, whereby he insulted her by telling her that he could maintain a longer erection with other women.
Then I asked both of them to share some sexual fantasies with each other. Roger included various sexual intercourse positions and admitted his weakness for trashy looking lingerie. Denise was aroused by receiving oral sex and being submissive in bed. I asked them to pretend that they were having a fling rather than being a married couple the next time they made love. First Roger should take Denise shopping for some lingerie, something he had not done in over three years. I instructed them to satisfy as many sexual fantasies as possible by incorporating his turn ons with hers in one session.
Although Roger had to cease the affair he was currently having in order to complete the counseling, it seemed unlikely to me that his nature was monogamous. The likelihood for future infidelity was very apparent and I could not see Roger wanting to maintain their marriage.
His lack of erections served as an excuse for him to have affairs. No matter how satisfying his sex life was with Denise, Roger would always crave variety and stray.
BENEFITS--This strategy allowed for concentrating on what could work instead of what didn't work, and redirected the focus back to the marital unit.
Phil: "I agreed to a threesome, but his penis was bigger than mine."
In reference to the menage-et-trois, someone once said that three is always two plus one. When Jasmine and Phil experienced their long time triad fantasy, they quickly became aware of this equation. What further complicated the issue was that Phil's colleague Alan, who was enlisted to be third wheel, turned out to be "hung" so much bigger than Phil that Jasmine seemed to turn into a "size queen" right before his eyes. When Jasmine told Phil she wanted an encore performance, he knew he was the odd man out.
CONSEQUENCE--Phil needed to accommodate Jasmine's awakened desire if he wanted to remain with her. By turning his fantasy into reality, it had back fired and could destroy his marriage. One possibility was to accept her demand for another lover. A second was to use artificial means, in the way of sex toys, to add to his own width and dimension of his penis.
STRATEGY--In an effort to solve Phil's bruised ego, Jasmine could use some artificial means such as a dildo if all she was looking for was length, size and staying power. She needed to let Phil know how to satisfy her.
SOLUTION--Phil tried to accommodate Jasmine with penis covers, large dildos and vibrators, but Jasmine said that she needed a warm body, not a toy. She said that she loved Phil, but wanted to indulge in a threesome again with Alan. His penis could really satisfy her and if Phil didn't consent to menage-et-trois with Alan, then she would go elsewhere to find another lover.
In speaking with both of them, it became apparent that Jasmine was no longer satisfied with Phil as a lover, and no artificial substitute was going to gratify her.
However, Phil could not stand using his friend for these needs, as it was too embarrassing for him. He did agree to indulge in sexual acts for his wife's sake with anonymous men and asked me if I could recommend any appropriate organization. So I referred them to the
"Hung Jury" a correspondence club for single and married women seeking well-hung men via a quarterly personal ad magazine called "Measuring Up." I asked them to promise to use as much safe sex materials as possible.
BENEFITS--This helped Jasmine communicate her sexual needs and broaden their sexual repertoire. Phil could also benefit by coming to terms with his inadequacies and taking action to satisfy his wife.
Bertha: "My husband sleeps around, and doesn't use a condom."
Broad-minded Bertha had truly grown beyond the role of jealous wife. She was actually turned on by her husband's lurid accounts of extramarital affairs, which he even taped on video for his wife to watch. One night while watching her husband's latest escapade on tape, Bertha noticed that her husband wasn't wearing a condom. Suddenly it dawned on her that her man might be bringing home more than memories from these sex sessions.
CONSEQUENCE--By not taking control of a voyeuristic situation that she clearly enjoyed, Bertha was allowing her husband's bad judgment to put her at risk.
STRATEGY--Since Bertha could freely admit to her voyeuristic gratification, she should introduce herself directly into her husband's flings and ensure that all parties follow safe sex practices. The alternative would be either catching an STD, or stopping an activity she enjoys.
SOLUTION--The next time her husband had the urge for a fling, he was to call Bertha so that she could rendezvous with them and bring condoms, etc., with her. I had given Bertha a book on which some sexual practices had more risk than others and encouraged her to choose the less risky ones. She could direct the scene as it were, while she used a camcorder to videotape the action.
BENEFITS--Bertha can help to share responsibility for something she enjoys.
We all need to know about safer sex practices. And, safer sex can be very sexy and fun. For those of you using condoms, experiment with different kinds of condoms and practice putting them on manually and orally.
Condoms--There are many kinds of condoms including flavored, polyurethane, extra-large, snug fitting, extra-sensitive, and condoms with nubs and stimulators. Here are some examples for you to choose from and experiment with:
Latex--Mentor, Ramses, Durex, Global Protection, Sheik, Pleaser, Kimono, Lifestyles, Crown, Magnum, Trojan, Contempo, Paradise
Natural--Fourex, Natural Lamb, Skin Kling
Polyurethane--Avanti, Reality for women (female condom)
Condoms that Fit a Modest Penis:
Trojan Plus 2 Ultra Fit Lifestyles Formfitting
Condoms for the Large Penis:
Durex Ultra Comfort Paradise Wide Body Maxx Condoms Crown Condom
Flavored Condoms--Durex Color and Scents, Contempo condoms, Rough Rider, Wet and Wild, Power Play
New Condom--Pleasure Plus Bulbus Head (Gives room inside the condom for the head of the penis to have more friction.) Custom fit condoms by condomania.com are great too. You can also experiment with dental dams, latex gloves or finger cots.
Lubricants--It is essential to have lubricants at the ready, before you need them. Without lubrication, a woman can become sore and a man can develop abrasions on his penis. Lubricants can add to the sensuality and the comfort of lovemaking, and there are many to choose from:
Wet, Slippery Stuff, Astroglide, Fourplay, Sunsura, K-Y Jelly, Eurogel, Eros, Delube Midnight Fire, Body Wise Liquid Silk_
Clarence: "I can't forgive her for cheating."
No matter how much Clarence wanted to believe that his wife Esmerelda's year long extramarital fling had ended, subconsciously he thought that he might never be able to forgive her. His love for her survived the infidelity but now whenever she seductively approached him, he simply could not shake the vision of her body having been ravaged by another man and he had lost all desire to touch her.
CONSEQUENCE--The failure of their sex life would likely draw one or of them into another affair. Clarence's inability to express his anger directly was blocking his sex drive.
STRATEGY--Clarence must deal with the psychological issue of repressed anger before his sex drive returns. In no way shape or form should this anger be allowed in the bedroom.
SOLUTION--I made Clarence realize that his wife may have been wrong to start the affair, but she was certainly responsible in informing him about it. He now needs to take responsibility and confront his emotions directly, and to her, in my presence as a way of beginning to restore a cornerstone of the marriage.
BENEFITS--Psychological therapy and the direct expression of anger at his wife or wife substitute would more likely cure the diminished sex drive.
Ursula: "I cheated, I ended it, and now I feel more guilt."
Ursula's husband never seemed to have a clue that his wife was having a hot little extramarital fling. In fear that her husband would discover her deception, she ended it. Regardless, she was riddled with guilt every minute of her life. If she confessed her infidelity to her husband, it might cause the destruction of her marriage but if she held it in, it might have destroyed her.
CONSEQUENCE--Ursula's guilt was probably doing her more harm than the short affair. If she didn't tell her husband, her guilt would distort her emotional life.
STRATEGY--In this case honesty was the best policy. Ursula must tell her husband, stress that the affair was short, accept responsibility and live with the consequences.
SOLUTION--Ursula confessed to her husband that she had an affair. It was of short duration, but she had entered into it by her own choice and it was over, her husband understood. He too had affairs, which he had kept from her. Neither was proud of being deceitful and vowed to control themselves better.
BENEFITS--It was unlikely that a single affair by either party would ruin a marriage. The worst damage done was by the dishonesty. The longer she delayed the worse it got.
What habits or patterns from the past would you like to abandon and move forward from? Write three affirmations. For example, if you feel that you couldn't keep your commitments in past relationships, your affirmation might be: "I am a very committed person now. I love committed relationships. I thrive on commitment." It's okay to feel guilt as long as you move on and forgive yourself.
Sybil: "My ex-lover is threatening to tell my husband."
"Hell hath no fury like a lover scorned" could have been penned just for Sybil and her ex lover. Filled with regret for having embarked on a marital indiscretion, Sybil broke off her affair with the man. Her lover took the news hard and swore to avenge his damaged ego and Sybil had no doubt that he just might do that. Sybil cursed the day the man walked into her life and lust overrode her fear of her husband's wrath and the end of her marriage if she was forced to tell him of her illicit romance.
CONSEQUENCE--Sybil's problem was a nightmare come true. She was surrounded by fear on all sides. Fear of her husband finding out and fear for her safety.
STRATEGY--She had better confess her adultery to her husband, and try to get him to dismiss it as a moment of weakness. It certainly was a moment of bad judgment. This would protect her from a surprised or unpredictable reaction from her husband and help ward off any danger from her ex-lover as well.
SOLUTION--Sybil confessed to her husband that she had an affair in a moment of weakness and that she regretted having done so. Because of this she had broken off the
relationship and now her ex-lover was making threats that scared her and she feared for her husband's safety as well.
Sybil's husband contacted the ex-lover and made it clear that any activity by him that could be construed as harassment or worse would be reported to the police. The ex-lover stopped his threats.
BENEFITS--It was the only way for Sybil to defend herself against a threat and was the lesser of two evils. To not tell her husband would only make things worse.
Jocelyn: "I know he is cheating, but I can't leave him."
Whether her husband was having an affair or not, Jocelyn had built up such suspicion and doubt in her mind that sooner or later there was going to be a showdown. The problem was, in her heart she knew that even if her worst fears were confirmed, she wouldn't leave her lying, cheating, double-crossing husband no matter how much shame, embarrassment and public humiliation the whole matter would cause her.
CONSEQUENCE--Jocelyn's uncertainty was making a bad situation worse. Her feelings were bound to be hurt anyway and she needed to carefully confront her husband.
STRATEGY--Jocelyn needed to learn to deal with her own feelings before confronting her husband, so that she didn't get overemotional. Then she needed to help him end the affair discreetly and heal the relationship. She needed to place her husband's behavior in a larger male behavioral context.
SOLUTION--I showed Jocelyn ample published psychological and neurological material that indicated that men are considerably less monogamously inclined than women. So Jocelyn had to understand that it wasn't unusual and certainly not her fault that he had an affair. In fact, whole cultures in Europe accepted mistresses or lovers as part and parcel of the marriage situation.
Jocelyn confronted her husband and yes he was having an affair. But it wasn't that he was displeased with Jocelyn. He just wanted some variety and it just sort of happened. Jocelyn let him know that she loved him too much to leave him but didn't want to ever have secrets kept from her again and didn't want to be embarrassed by indiscretions. The fact that he didn't ever solicit her consent is what bothered her the most. Her husband broke off the affair and agreed to embark on no further affairs unless they were mutually consenting.
BENEFITS--This strategy would save the marriage and allow Jocelyn to see her husband more objectively.
Amanda: "I'm technically still married, will my new man run?"
Amanda certainly hadn't counted on meeting a wonderful new man even before the ink was dry on her divorce papers but that's precisely what happened.
What Amanda feared the most was that if she told her new beau that technically she was still married, he would bolt.
CONSEQUENCE--Amanda's fear and guilt might cost her the relationship if her new friend discovers her dishonesty later. She needed to be honest and responsible.
STRATEGY--There was no guarantee that this new relationship would be a permanent one, but getting off on the wrong foot was a bad idea. Amanda must tell the truth and judge her new friend by his reaction.
SOLUTION--Per my suggestion, Amanda took her new friend to a public restaurant and told him that, although she was in the process of separation, she was still legally married. She said she was very much interested in him, but didn't wish to lie to him. If he preferred, she could wait to pursue the relationship until after her divorce.
Her friend understood and appreciated her honesty. They began a very low-keyed affair and Amanda did divorce her husband. After that, they saw each other more often, although the relationship ended amicably soon after.
BENEFITS--If the new relationship was going nowhere, then it was better to end it now. Amanda must set a pattern of honesty for any new relationship.
Lucy: "I'm cheating with a man of a different race."
Lucy had always fantasized about sharing a night of wild carnality with a black man, wondering if some of the myths she had heard about their sexual prowess were true. When she met Vance, she found out, in his case at least, that they were. She turned one night of passion into an ongoing affair. While integration at night seemed easy enough, the daylight found Lucy wrapped in secrecy. She didn't want anyone to find out that she was sleeping with an African-American man, especially not her boyfriend David.
CONSEQUENCE--The consequences were potentially disastrous. She was experiencing a peak sexual experience previously denied to her. She didn't want to change her situation, but was afraid it would change anyway because she could get caught. The consequences of being deceitful in a relationship usually backfire and result in lack of trust.
STRATEGY--Honesty is the best policy. What was she afraid of, her sexuality or her prejudice? I asked Lucy if she would date her African American lover in public, introduce him to her friends, take him home to her parents or consider marriage. Or did she just want to use him for sex? Lucy was embarrassed to admit that she was only interested in him sexually. I asked her how she really felt about David, and she responded by acknowledging that she loved David as a friend and a provider but was disappointed in him as a lover.
SOLUTION--Lucy told David about her affair, she also admitted that she would never have dated this new man, introduced him to friends or family and that is was just a spontaneous sexual act. Then she asked David if he could tell that she had been unfaithful. David said he knew that something was wrong with their relationship and suggested a parting of the ways for a few months while Lucy considered her priorities. He also recommended she seek some more counseling.
BENEFITS--The benefit was for Lucy to be honest with herself about her feelings for David and her lover. She discovered her weakness for manipulation of both men for her own selfish needs.
The Do's and Don'ts When You Find Out Your Partner Has Cheated on You
* Don't make any impulsive decisions about ending your relationship before you have time to reflect on whether your relationship is worth fighting for.
* Do be prepared to experience an emotional rollercoaster with feelings of shock, betrayal, hurt, disappointment, humiliation, rejection, bewilderment, foolishness, depression, jealousy and rage, all of which are natural reactions. So, take a deep breath and close your eyes so that you can think before you react.
* Don't blame or punish yourself over who or what caused the cheating by drinking, binge eating or starving, medicating or hurting yourself. This won't change the circumstances and will only make matters worse by pushing your partner away and back into the arms of his/her lover.
* Do think about this: as heartbreaking as cheating can be, it is a wound that can be healed and relationships can survive. Sometimes cheating can be a wake-up call to take a relationship to a higher level of understanding and intimacy. Not every relationship can survive, but if both partners have the desire and commitment to move forward, then the odds of success are much higher.
* Don't rush to tell your family and friends about the cheating until you have all the facts. They may hold lasting grudges that cannot be repaired.
* Do write down a "Profit and Loss Relationship Statement." On the side where you have the heading Profit, list all of your partner's positive qualities and the advantages of staying together. On the side where you have the heading Loss, list all of your partner's negative qualities and the reasons why splitting up would be better. This is a simple way to determine if the good outweighs the bad in your relationship.
* Don't ambush your partner by attacking them physically because you will be perceived as a dangerous psycho (and be on the wrong side of the law), not to mention push your partner back into the arms of his/her lover.
* Do write down all the questions your want to ask about the cheating, but focus on your relationship rather than the third party, at least in the beginning. For example, "What was missing in our relationship that made you want to cheat?" Then ask questions that focus on 'feelings' such as "How did the other person make you feel about yourself when you were with him/her?" This is the most powerful question of all and will ultimately reveal the reason your partner cheated on you.
* Don't become obsessed with the other man or woman who cheated with your partner. Harassing them may actually drive them closer together instead of forcing them apart. Do be willing to forgive your partner by writing a forgiveness letter to them. Writing a letter is the process of taking out your emotional trash and allows you to release pent-up pain. Write down your feelings, request an apology and end with your forgiveness and love. For example: "I felt unloved and unwanted when I found out that you cheated on me. I need to know the reasons that lead you to be with someone else so that I can forgive and love you with all my heart."
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
When there is no way that you can resolve the relationship, forgive your partner for cheating and you are ready to break up, the following seven steps are the most effective way to recover, heal, raise your self-esteem and move on with your life in a positive and production manner.
1. Accept that the relationship is over. Relationships end when they are supposed to. There are no mistakes in life, only lessons.
2. Learn lessons from your past experiences. Write down what you have learned about yourself (the good, bad and ugly) and what you would do differently? This is important because you don't want to repeat negative patterns.
3. Don't mourn your break-up, blame or punish yourself. Instead, recognize and list all the wonderful qualities that you have to offer someone (I'm sure you can think of some), acknowledge your accomplishments, big and small and write those down too. I promise it will make you feel better.
4. Take a gratitude moment every day for all the good things in your life. If you can't think of any, here are a few to help you: Give thanks for being alive, your health, having food to eat, the weather, your friends. Okay, now keep going ...
5. The best revenge is Happiness so make a commitment to do at least three things that make you happy every day. Eating chocolate makes me happy so it's at the top of my list. Reward yourself! You are valuable and if you treat yourself as a valuable person, so will others. Sleeping late is a good reward, so is getting a massage and shopping.
6. Imagine that you are ten times bolder than you were before, take risks and don't miss out on opportunities. Have no regrets. What would you do if you were ten times bolder?
7. Celebrate the beginning of a new phase in your life with a positive attitude.
Don't shut love out by saying "It's impossible to find." The quickest way to receive love is to give it, but be sure to give it to someone who is worthy of it.
Section Two--Cheating Men
Men have been conditioned to cheat ever since the caveman era when they were programmed to plant their seed in as many places as possible, and by places I mean between women's legs.
When Romeo and Juliet conveyed their dying love for each other (literally), most people didn't live beyond middle age.
As we evolve our lifespan is much longer, so it becomes less natural for couples to remain monogamous; men's need for sexual variety is more prevalent and acceptable than women's.
Top 10 Signs Your Man is Cheating
Tell-tale signs your man is cheating include:
1. He starts spending less time with you, but always comes up with last minute excuses that he has to work late or take sudden trips out of town.
2. He no longer gives you long juicy kisses, but replaces them with short pecks on your lips or face.
3. He starts requesting that you change things about your body such as shaving your pubes.
4. He makes noticeable changes to his physical appearance such as adding highlights to his hair or going on a diet and working out religiously.
5. Inside his car is unfamiliar with a new radio station and the passenger seat has been changed, so you know someone else has been sitting in your seat.
6. His aroma is different because he is now wearing a new cologne or you can smell another woman's perfume that has rubbed off on him.
7. He is constantly on his cell phone texting, talking in code or he leaves the room whenever it rings.
8. He spends more time with his computer than he does with you, especially at night when you go to bed.
9. He says that he doesn't have enough money to buy you the things that you need because he is short of cash.
10. He suddenly starts bringing you little trinkets and acts uncharacteristically nice to you without any explanation.
Top 10 Reasons Men Cheat
* Variety is the number one reason men cheat even if their partner is beautiful, sexy, smart, nurturing and his ultimate fantasy woman. He may still want to have sex with someone completely different. You can blame it on the biological programming that makes a man's brain crave sexual variety or his primitive instinct to go hunting, but you cannot change it if he wants variety.
* His Ego swells when stroked by an attractive stranger. He loves the thrill of the chase and the hunt before the conquest that feeds his masculine ego especially when it's been neglected. A man thrives on praise and compliments but if he doesn't get them from his partner, he's an easy target for a loose lover.
* Fantasies with lovers who are willing to make all of his wildest sexual fantasies come true from role-playing, domination, sex slave, golden showers, swallowing, anal and group sex. He may be too ashamed to share his fantasy with his partner for fear of rejection, judgment or even ridicule.
* Boredom is a common reason that men cheat, especially if his partner has let herself go, is too lazy to make herself attractive for him or has put on too much weight. For a married man who is unhappy at home, cheating is cheaper and easier than getting a divorce. For an unmarried man, cheating is easier than confronting his partner because he doesn't find her desirable.
* Emotional Connection that he is not getting at home may motivate him to cheat with a co-worker who listens to him, nurtures him, dominates him, babies him or just make him feel good about himself when he is with her. That's why many men cheat with secretaries or someone close to them at work, apart from the fact that it's also very convenient.
* Revenge when a man finds out his partner has been cheating on him, cheating on her is the quickest way to heal his hurt feelings. Instead of arguing, seeking professional counseling or forgiving his partner, he would rather have angry sex with a one night stand or several depending on how easy it is for him to get laid.
* Better Sex and more sex with someone who is willing to do the things he wants to fulfill his sexual needs. Oral sex and anal sex are top contenders, so if he has a disinterested partner who rejects his advances or won't try to please him, then he is going to look elsewhere until he finds someone who likes the same sexual activities he does.
* Addiction to love, romance or sex can be an excuse men will use to get a free pass when they are in a relationship and they don't know how to get out. Whether it's for financial reasons or because of the children, he chooses to cheat with as many women as he can for fear that he may be missing out on love, romance and sex, but he is too chicken to be honest with his partner. He would rather be labeled with a disease or an addiction than face his own insecurities.
* For Fun to see if the grass is greener on the other side. He is comparison shopping and having fun being sneaky to see if he can get away with cheating. If he gets away with it the first time, he may keep doing it unless his cheating experiences are disappointing or too expensive.
* Stress and anxiety about work, health, family and finances can lead to cheating as a quick fix. This may seem like an unlikely form of stress management but to a man with a high sex drive, it can be the best form of stress release especially with someone who he has no strings attached.
What Men Want in Bed
If you want to get started pleasing your man...
* Share your fantasies with him and role-play together
* Do a striptease for him when he least expects it
* Talk erotically to your man during lovemaking
* Have at least one quickie a week
* Make love in different places
* Give him a sexual massage
* Lavish him with oral sex
If you want to really get your man's attention and protect your marriage--read on for details.
Men are well known as being very visual, so the way a woman looks is important to them, but they also want their lovers to have certain qualities that are even more important than their looks. Here are the top 12 qualities men want in their partner. How many do you have? If your answer is yes to only a few, this e-book will help you to develop the others. After all, everyone knows how to have sex because it's a basic instinct, but making love is an art you can learn; this includes learning to release the sexpot inside you, learning to enjoy your sexuality and learning to please your lover.
1. Men want women who say what they want
2. Women who will initiate sex
3. Women who are uninhibited
4. Women who wear sexy lingerie
5. Women who are responsive
6. Women who enjoy erotic talk
7. Women who like to role-play
8. Women who want quickies
9. Adventuresome women
10. Confident women
How would you like to have a man in your life that is going somewhere--but always comes back home to you? How would you like to have a man that is devoted to your relationship? That you can trust? That you believe in to be there for you in every way?
Men are both physical and emotional creatures but women tend to focus on the emotional side more. If you can give your man the balance of both sides, he's going to be much more willing to forget about other opportunities. Why stray if he already has the woman of his dreams? While no healthy relationship is all about the physical or the emotional, you want to bring a healthy dose of both.
You're about to learn one of the most important keys a woman can learn--how to become the sexy woman of your man's dreams. We'll explore:
* Whispering sweet nothings
* Mutual masturbation
* Fantasies and roll-playing
* The art of striptease
* Make him want a repeat performance
* Joysticks and other controls
* Training for oral delights
* Discover his "hot spot"
* Rules for fidelity
Whispering Sweet Nothings
Most men will become turned on if you whisper some off-color suggestions to them. Tell your man what you want to do to him and what you want him to do to you in graphic detail. Experiment and find out which of these are effective on your man, then employ them at strategic moments to capture his heart, and all organs south of there. Men's brains share the same area for sexual pleasures and visual stimulation (which is why Viagra makes some men "see blue" as a side effect).
That means if you key your words toward creating visual pictures, you'll often arouse him. The fastest way to a man's heart isn't through his favorite organ, but rather through his second most important organ inside his head. And you can reach that by whispering a suggestive picture of what you'd like to be doing with him.
Words aren't the only verbal skills you can employ to snare a man's attention. Using sounds instead of talk can work (and what man doesn't become aroused at a tape recorded sound of a woman reaching a climax and moaning "yes, yes, yes!") Start by exaggerating the sounds that you already make like moaning, panting and growling. These can all be signs that you're having a great time between the sheets (or can be employed as a "turn on" tape you record and place in your man's car for him to hear on the way home from work).
Give Him a Sexual Massage
This is one of the most precious, memorable and erotic gifts you can give your man. All it takes is a little time, creativity and for you to get into a sexpot mood. The difference between a standard massage and a sexual massage is, of course, that the purpose of a sexual massage is to arouse. Hands on the lower back, fingertips across a bare nipple, mouth on the curve of a knee, fingernails through your lover's scalp, hair tickling his lips--your entire body should be used to massage and stimulate your lover from head to toe.
So, imagine you've got your room set up. And, you paid attention to setting the mood--including lights and music--remember to keep all the senses in mind. You've also chosen a comfortable location, right? Now, tell him to lie naked on his stomach. With sensual massage, what the giver wears is important as well. Wear something sexy, seductive, and alluring. The giver should stimulate her partner with a variety of strokes. Use your tongue--be creative! Try placing your entire body gently on top of your lover's. Move up and down and side to side--move slowly and erotically. Create sexual anticipation by stimulating several areas at the same time.
Don't stimulate any one area for too long. But, be sure to come back to the areas that arouse your partner the most. The giver can and should experiment! But, the receiver should be encouraged to give lots of feedback. For example, "Mmm, I love when you massage me with your breasts. Please do that some more." Or, "Feeling your body rub up and down mine is really turning me on, but be careful not to put too much weight on me." It's also erotic to talk about the experience afterwards. It will help you perfect your massage technique, so that you can learn to give your lover the best massage of his life! Remember to massage for the pleasure of the receiver. Massage is all about giving the most pleasure to your partner that you possibly can. It is a wonderful way to express yourself nonverbally.
While you're talking erotically to each other and fanning the flame, one-at-a-time, or together, begin to masturbate so your partner can see how you give yourself pleasure. Perhaps the idea of doing this gives you displeasure. I understand, and I will share some extra details for those of you who might be uncomfortable masturbating in front of their lover, or who might have reservations regarding masturbation at all, since masturbation has had a bad rap.
There are few examples of human sexuality that crystallize the hysteria and change in general sexual attitudes as the subject of masturbation. Perhaps because it was perceived as being the initial mechanism for sexual gratification, it drew outlandishly morbid attention, and produced centuries of unnecessary misery and anxiety in adults as well as children, especially where anti-masturbatory teachings have been present.
Masturbating is not only normal, it is perfectly normal. So roll up your sleeves and get used to the idea of masturbating, and even masturbating in front of your lover. It's okay. It's more than okay. It is wholesome and can be an educational way to both turn you and your lover on.
He may be as uncomfortable as you are at first, maybe more so. So take time with this. Discuss it, and then move toward short sessions that end with your usual sexual activities. Little by little you can extend the periods of mutual masturbation and in the process really let your lover know about your sexuality by touching and caressing yourself and thereby demonstrating what works to turn you on and satisfy you.
Likewise, masturbating can be an important way for you to discover what really works to help you reach a climax, what turns you on, and what doesn't work. Take some time to explore your body. If you don't know what pleases you, then how can you communicate your desires to your partner? If you don't love your body, then your partner will not be able to love your body either.
Masturbation, without guilt, offers a way to become relaxed and comfortable with your own body. It offers a way to gain better self-esteem, give better communication with your lover, and a path toward greater sexual satisfaction.
Fantasies and Role Playing
If you REALLY want to impress your lover... in a flirtatious way ask this simple question: "Would you like to know my fantasies?" Who in their right mind is going to say NO?
We all know fantasies are essential to our daily lives and everyone has fantasies whether they admit it or not. We fantasize about what we want to eat for dinner, where we're going to go on vacation, what we want to drive and what turn us on the most!
When couples role play together and act out each other's fantasies, they gain a better understanding of what the other wants, needs, desires and fears. Couples can improve their communication, take their relationship to a higher level of intimacy and expand their sexual horizons.
Role playing sexual fantasies is healthy, fun and natural for couples dating or for those in a committed relationship of any orientation. Fantasies can rekindle passion, raise a diminished libido, boost intimacy, are an exciting avenue of escape, heighten enjoyment of sex, opens you up to new activities and can turn sex into adult play.
Talking erotically can lead naturally to role playing. Fantasies are fun and will add a dash of passion and zest to your lovemaking in the process.
Here are a few fantasies you and your lover may want to try out:
Master and slave: The "master" wears leather and the "slave" is dressed in lace. The slave does whatever the master orders. (Keep in mind a creative master will have a much more accommodating slave; and letting the slave have lots of enjoyment makes for a well-loved master.)
Call girl: The man is a john, the woman a call girl, showing up at the man's hotel room for a trick. (Or even more interesting, reverse the roles. The man is the high price gigolo, the woman a johnny.)
Pin-Up Model: How about taking sexy boudoir photos of your lover? It's best to use a digital or instant camera for any explicit photos or they could end up on the bath room wall at your local photo-processing lab. A great variation is the photographer/centerfold theme. (If your guy has an artistic flair, then try reenacting the sketch scene in Titanic, preferably without the ship sinking.)
Bodice Ripper: Instead of throwing out old undies, let your lover tear them off you and adoringly ravage you as part of your lovemaking. (If the material is too thick, cut them in strategic places so they tear off more easily.)
Wrestle Mania: Have you ever wanted to wrestle with your lover? A little gentle play-wrestling can heat up your lovemaking and get you into shape before a good night's sleep. But, remember no dirty fighting below the belt.
The Art of Striptease
Release the sexpot inside you with the ultimate male fantasy: a striptease. So here's what you need to know about taking it off. More entertaining than a magic act, although there's definitely spellbinding material here, the centuries old striptease remains constant as a main attraction. In the privacy of your home, you can turn the routine of undressing into foreplay.
As you read this, you might be among the number of readers who think, "I couldn't do that! I don't know how to strip!" Well, you know how to dress, right? And you know how to undress. So, c'mon, you have it in you to be a vamp.
It doesn't take all that much in the way of props to get started in the entertaining world of burlesque. Pick music that tingles your senses and is the most theatrical to move your body to. The music has to incite you to passion, otherwise you won't be interested enough to perform well.
This is the age of the Chippendales and The Full Monty. Your man is just as capable of being sexy while pulling off his clothes as you are. So don't shy away from encouraging him to be the stripper. If he's shy about stripping, maybe you can pave the way. Or, if he strips and turns you on, then it's your turn to follow suit.
Remember, the essence of foreplay is play, and the essence of play is fun. That's the question to ask yourself regularly, are we having fun yet?
Make Him Want a Repeat Performance
Now, you can't have all preludes without a satisfying completion of the sex act. Yes, using the proper words, fantasies, and other arousing tactics outlined above is going to make the whole thing better for him and you (and even perk you up and get you into action if you weren't ready to go before it all started). But if you want your guy to take you to a Trigasm, then it makes sense to get him up and running so profoundly that he wants to return the favor.
Remember that sex is the old two-way street. While it is true that too many men have only been interested in their needs and not those of the woman, that doesn't make such selfishness right. Give your man a good time and he will want to return the favor. In doing this, enthusiasm is more important than technique, but you do need to know what you're doing. So take a few minutes to study what is going to work to really turn your guy on.
Also bear in mind (or is that "bare in mind?") that men are not biologically programmed to be with one woman. That means they have traditionally been able to get away with more than women in the way of boorish behavior. It's not fair. Now get over it.
The bottom line is that you can gain the edge over a man's natural tendencies to play the field by keeping your sex life interesting. Do anything and everything you can do to be different in bed, or on the floor, or in the closet. If you want a monogamous man, you need to make it happen. (I know that many women would prefer this weren't the case, but you can't fool Mother Nature and this is how she made the male of our species).
Since men tend to become turned on visually, you can do a lot to bring a man to a climax simply by using your body in imaginative ways. Something like rubbing his body with fruit and then licking the juices off him, hanging over him with your breasts swinging freely is guaranteed to get the proverbial rise out of him. Ditto for stroking his penis lovingly with your hair and your face, or placing his penis between your breasts and gently stimulating him with "cleavage fornication."
Joysticks and Other Controls
The most common mistake is that women don't use enough pressure when caressing a man. That's because ladies touch a man the way they want to be touched. But that's not the way men want to be touched. They want a firmer grasp from women. So don't be too timid.
On the other hand, there are different types of touch. Try this: put two fingers of one hand on the back of the other hand. Press firmly and move your fingers back and forth. Notice how the skin moves along with your fingers? Now, lighten your touch and slowly move your fingers over the skin. Notice how different the sensation is?
Men's penises have almost all of their nerve endings in the surface of the skin and almost none below it! That's important to remember when you're trying to stimulate your man just right. Concentrate on where the nerve endings are, not below or around them!
Also, keep in mind that there are more erogenous zones on a man than just his penis. Just to keep things confusing, these will vary somewhat from one guy to the next. So the best solution it to have your lover lie down naked and then start at the top of his head and work your way down, kissing, caressing, and nibbling at every half inch of his body as you explore him from front and back.
Don't jump over any spot just because it seems unlikely to be an erogenous area. Eyelids, the tips of his fingers, or the backs of his heels may all prove to be deep pleasure points. And you won't know if you don't try them out.
While you can judge your effectiveness by his deep breathing and perhaps an occasional moan, a better route is to have him rate each inch that you touch on a scale of one to ten. Just be sure you're keeping track (though losing track is a good excuse to start over, and I promise he won't mind). When you've finished, consider switching places and letting him make a few discoveries on your body as well.
After you've discovered his hot spots, attack them randomly during sex, using one or two at a time. Keep him guessing and begging for more as you work him into a frenzy.
Most men love anal play once they're introduced to it by a loving woman. However, most gals are a bit shy in doing this. My advice is, get over it. Attitudes like this are why guys cheat on "nice girls." Find out what he likes the first few times you pleasure this area of his body, and then remember what works next time you want to get him worked up into a lather.
Training for Oral Delights
An old saying once quipped that when you look at how a man is designed, it becomes apparent that God must be a civil engineer because that's the only professional who would run a sewer line through a recreational area. Little wonder some women at the thought of placing a man's penis in their mouth, while others are totally turned off for the simple reason that it is the place "where the urine comes out."
But actually things aren't quite as grimy as all this may seem and if woman will keep an open mind, they'll see that oral sex is not "kinky" at all and perfectly normal. For starters the urine from a healthy individual has few, if any, dangerous bacteria in it. And in guys who are aroused, the prostate gland creates prostatic fluid which neutralizes the acidity of urine (which is acidic enough to kill sperm otherwise.)
Additionally the semen from a healthy man has antibacterial components. So, provided your guy is healthy and has been thoughtful enough to thoroughly wash himself before sex, a man's penis is not any more germ ridden than other places on his body, and probably a good deal less so than is his mouth (which is laden with bacteria). So, if you don't think twice about kissing him on the lips, oral sex should not be a problem in a monogamous relationship with a healthy partner.
Before actually starting oral sex with a guy, there are several things you need to know for maximum effectiveness. First be sure to ask him how he wants to be sucked; gently, hard, slow, fast, or deep. If he doesn't have a preference, just start a rhythm that seems to work; once he starts to climax, don't change your rhythm unless he asks you to.
Once you have full control of him, here are some tricks that will have him moaning and writhing under the control of your magic:
* Always use your hands as an extension of your mouth.
* Use the tip of your tongue from side to side across his urethral opening.
* If he is uncircumcised, his frenulum deserves extra licking, kissing and gentle sucking. (The frenulum is the skin on the underside of the penis near the center of the head, where the skin from the foreskin attaches itself to the shaft of the penis. It is very sensitive.)
* Wrap your lips tightly around his glans (the head of the penis) and use plenty of suction.
* Flick your tongue around his coronal ridge (the edge around the base of the glans).
* Lick and lap his raphe with the flat of your tongue. (The raphe is the "seam" that runs along the underside of the penis. And yes, it really is a seam where the urethra is enclosed before birth).
* Change your rhythm from long, slow sucking to a short, fast, and milking action.
* Shake and wiggle his penis in your mouth.
* Hold the base tight while making spiral motions around the glans.
* Gently tug his scrotum while sucking him from the shaft to the glans.
* Push on his perenium (the area between the anal opening and the back of the scrotum) while sucking.
* Put your finger (palm up) inside his anus, while giving him oral love.
* Use your finger tip to stroke his "Sacred Spot" (just inside the anus) while sucking.
* Let your fingers discover his Prostate area while sucking.
* For "deep throating" keep your head back and let him straddle you, keeping control of the depth of his thrust with a hand around the base of his penis.
* Stimulate his glans with your index finger while you are sucking.
* Suck on an ice cube or drink some hot liquid prior to oral love.
* Drink some hot liquid prior to oral love.
* Make humming sounds during oral love for some extra vibration.
* Wrap beads around his scrotum tugging gently while sucking.
* Try to keep eye contact with your lover while orally pleasing him.
* Pump him up by squeezing his penis in the palm of your hand.
* Discover his Prostate area with your finger while sucking his Glans.
* Rub fruits and juices on him and lick them off.
* Put him between your breasts (cleavage fornication) for variety.
* Stroke his penis lovingly with your hair and your face.
* Gargle with mouthwash or suck on a mint prior to oral love for a tingle.
Talk to your man to find out what he likes and what his fantasies are. Explore every inch of his body, then do your best to please him and praise him. Do this and he'll stay with you a lifetime, giving a lot of joy along the way as you build a deeper relationship that employs sex to cement the union.
We live in a very image-conscious society. Hair, nails, the gym--you name it! We're concerned with how we look. So, why shouldn't we concern ourselves with our grooming down below? This may seem a tad funny at first, but think about it. Attracting your lover sexually is perhaps the ultimate attraction. And, what better way to attract your lover and to turn him or her on then with a little styling? And shaving--whether it's the face, pubic area or legs--can be sensual too. Here's one way to go about doing it. Suggest taking a bath or shower together. Then ask your partner to watch you shave, or invite your lover to assist. Be sure to use safety razors with lots of shaving cream. Of course, it would only be quite natural from here to move to the pubic area.
Removing pubic hair not only provides a "new look," it can also be more hygienic and cause less body odor. Having smooth genitals makes it easier to give oral sex to your partner. Having said all that, I strongly urge you not to do any shaving, or any other alterations for that matter, before first discussing it with your partner. We all have our own personal preferences, and your "new look" could just as easily be a turn-off to your partner as a turn-on.
And, while we're at it, never-never, never, never--do something, to your body just because your lover wants you to because you will resent it and your partner. But, if you decide to go for it, here are some tips. When shaving the pubic area, always shave from the top in a downward direction. Be artistic with your shaving--create a heart shape, a landing strip, a diamond, or you can be completely hair-free.
Shaving's not just for women. Many men shave their arms, legs, chests, even their testicles. There are various options. But, beware, shaving may cause itching, and some people get razor burn. Depilatory creams or waxing are good alternatives.
While we're on the subject of making our privates more enticing, if shaving's not your thing, why not try dying? This is another fun way to funk up your love life. It's probably wise, though, to only dye your Mons because if those chemicals get inside you, it would be no fun at all!
Other types of body adornment that have become increasingly popular include piercings and tattoos. These, of course, are much more permanent changes. So, I encourage you to give it a lot of consideration beforehand. If you're considering a tattoo, perhaps try a temporary one first. And, I'll repeat this once again because it's soooo important. Never let your partner talk you into doing something you are not absolutely 100% sure you want to do. Now, put your heads together and see what sort of design motifs you can come up with!
Men love quickies and there is always room for a good quickie now and again. As a matter of fact, I encourage them! Quickies are a tool in your lovemaking arsenal. Think of them as exciting, erotic, stolen moments together. The inspiration for hiding out, perhaps in a closet, let's say, may be the key to a lustful sexual fantasy. Or, it may just be something that overcame you that very moment. Either way, don't suppress the urge. Quickies can be used to build anticipation around the longer sexual encounters to follow. In general, quickies occur between two people in the heat of passion who want to have intercourse--now!
Think of quickies as little snacks between your gourmet meals. They do not require foreplay. They are a quick agreement between lovers. Use the wonders of a quickie to satisfy one person's needs. You can lavishly worship your partner's penis or clitoris. If you feel like sneaking a hand when nobody's looking, why not? Go for it! For many people, the adventure of quickies and the potential of getting caught is what makes them so enticing. They choose to have quickies in elevators, airplanes, restrooms--a veritable cornucopia of public places. However, quickies can just as easily be done in the privacy of your home.
You can both make plans to leave work early and have a quickie before the kids get home. Or, if the prospect of your children walking in on you is too horrifying, why not meet on your lunch break? If home is too far, pick a motel between both your jobs. There are countless ways and means by which to arrange a quickie. And, of course, some of the best quickies are the ones that happen spontaneously. So, be attentive to one another's signals. You never know when lightning may strike. Imagination and the ability to be unpredictable are important. The fleeting encounters that transpire between you and your partner are great, sensual ways to add spice to your love life.
Anal penetration is not for everyone. And, that's okay. Conversely, your partner may be willing to partake in digital penetration or allow you to use anal beads or a small dildo or vibrator. Whatever your lover's limit, respect that. Many men and women find anal sex highly erotic and exciting while others do not. In general, people tend to love it or hate it. Or, as one of my clients likes to put it, "It's either an entrance or an exit." Regardless, there is a physiological explanation as to why anal sex can be an erotic alternative to vaginal intercourse. The anus, like the vagina, has sensitive nerve endings that feel very pleasurable when stimulated.
Still feeling a stigma around all this? It may make you feel better to know that nearly 40 percent of all heterosexual couples have had anal sex at least once. If you do decide to try anal sex, my advice is to prepare for it! Preparation begins with conversation. Talk about anal sex before embarking on it. This means don't think you can slip on in there, and it will go unnoticed. Anal sex should be handled delicately. Be careful not to penetrate as energetically as with vaginal lovemaking. The tissues of the anus are fragile, so anal sex requires mutual trust, gentleness, slowness, lots of lubrications, and patience. Practice massaging the rim of the anus first. Lubricate and circle it with a finger. Watch out for jagged fingernails or use a sex toy such as anal beads, an anal plug or vibrator. When you're ready, have your partner slowly insert a finger. Breathe slowly while inhaling and contract the anal muscle around the finger then exhale.
It's important to know that anal sex puts lovers at a high risk for HIV infection and other sexually transmitted diseases. Therefore, it is recommended that you use an FDA-approved condom and even spermicide. Although spermicide is marketed for the prevention of pregnancy, the chemicals in it can also kill certain bacteria which we're trying to protect you from as well. Do not use oil-based lubes such as petroleum jelly since they could damage the condom and render it useless. Have lots of extra water-based lubricant at the ready. Slowly begin to insert the penis or toy. You will probably not insert it entirely. Be prepared to stop at any time your lover feels uncomfortable. The receiver controls the speed and depth of the penetration. Be certain to communicate this with your partner. Also, be sure to use a separate condom for vaginal intercourse to protect against the spread of bacteria to the vagina. Never insert anything--finger, penis or toy--directly into the vagina from the anus without first thoroughly cleansing it.
Guys have a hot spot too! The prostate gland is a firm, round organ located directly below the bladder. When massaged, the prostate can arouse your lover to new levels of intimate pleasure since the anus is surrounded with sensitive nerve endings. Uh-oh, I said the "A" word. Many men balk at even the mention of anal penetration never mind the actual deed itself. And, this is okay. Like stimulation of the G-spot, Prostate Massage can be intimidating. Some of us are, understandably, a little hesitant to allow anal penetration in our lovemaking.
However, prostate massage can induce a heightened sexual response in your partner and draw you closer through its intimacy. Communication is very important here. Beforehand, your partner may feel the need to tell you, "I've never done this before." Or, "I'm afraid your nails will be painful." During, he may tell you he feels vulnerable. Afterwards, "That feels better than anything I could ever have imagined."
I encourage you to explore the possibilities. As we've already eluded, the prostate can be stimulated by the insertion of a finger or vibrator into your partner's anus and rectum. You may choose to use a latex finger or glove for this, and you will certainly want plenty of lubricant. Lubricate your finger once it is covered with latex and lube and insert one or two fingers inside his anus, palm up, in a "come hither" motion.
Apply a light pressure either tapping or stroking toward the perineum. Some men say their pleasure zone is just one knuckle inside the anus. Others are deeper.
Levels of pleasure and response vary with each person. So, ask your partner what feels best. Try different pressures and motions. Ask him how he likes to be stroked. Encourage your partner to share his feelings, questions and concerns. Discuss whether or not prostate massage is something you would like to try again.
Woody Allen once quipped he was good at sex because he practiced by himself a lot. In some ways there's truth to his statement. Guys can learn to be better lovers by learning more about their bodies.
This isn't done with the proverbial "quick jerk off," however. Rather it takes some careful exploration of your sexual organs coupled with an understanding of how they work, and how to make them work for you and the woman you are pleasuring.
One key area that can give you some fantastic abilities is the Pubococcygeus muscle (which is generally called the "PC muscle" to save some tongue twisting). This is the support muscle for the genitals in both men and women. There is a definite correlation between good tone in the PC muscle and orgasmic intensity and control. A quick way to identify the PC muscle is to urinate, stop the flow of urine by squeezing your PC muscle, then urinate again. After a few repetitions, most people are able to tighten this muscle without the involvement of urination.
This technique requires the control of your PC muscle. Try urinating and do a few repetitions of the PC to get the feel of tensing it (remembering that when it is fully tensed, the urine flow stops). Continue doing this over a few days so you have a feel for exactly how to flex it, and also what it feels like when fully tensed.
Once you have control of your PC, you next need to learn to enhance your ability to peak at various arousal levels.
To do this, lie down on your back and get comfortable or sit in a chair. Using plenty of lubrication (such as KY Jelly, baby oil, or some similar lubricant), begin stroking your penis and experiencing your arousal. Imagine that your arousal levels cover a ten step scale and vary from Level 1 which is barely aroused to level 10 which is when you reach orgasm and ejaculate.
It is important to become aware of when each level of excitement is achieved. Do this and you can control how long it takes you to reach a climax and also increase the pleasure you feel when finally "Hitting ten on the Erector Scale."
Okay. Here's an exercise that will help you achieve this (and which will also help turn you into the "Energizer Bunny" that can keep going and going and going):
* You're on your back and you begin stroking your penis with plenty of lubricant on it and your hand. Now, take your time (ideally three minutes), slowly take yourself to level four of arousal, then squeeze your PC muscle tight and concentrate on letting your arousal level drop by two levels.
* Now resume stimulation only this time peak at level six, taking three minutes to reach that level. Once it is achieved, let your arousal level drop again. Take plenty of time.
* Again taking around three minutes, resume your stroking and peak at level eight.
* Once again, allow your arousal level to drop off two levels, to level 6.
* Resume stimulation and slowly build to a peak of level nine, then slam on your PC muscle, breathing deeply as you let your arousal drop down once more.
* Intensify your stimulation and let your arousal rise to 9.5 which is almost to the point of no return. Now tighten the PC muscle for about 10 seconds, but don't stop stroking. Open your eyes and focus all of your attention on your genitals. Breathe deeply and regularly as your body begins to go into orgasm. You should be able to feel the semen collecting at the base of your penis. You should also feel the PC muscle begin to spasm, but you should not ejaculate.
Take a deep breath, slow down the stimulation and let your arousal dip back down to level 8 or even 7. Once you've rested for a moment, intensify your stimulation once more and let your arousal level rise. But, this time you don't want to get in its way. You don't want to squeeze your PC muscle. Just let yourself have a full orgasm, complete with ejaculation.
What you've just achieved with the exercise above is a "multiple orgasm." The first few times you try this exercise, you may experience any number of unusual sensations, such as a partial orgasm or a "skipped" orgasm. These things may not feel very normal but they are and there's no reason to be concerned.
Relax and enjoy your explorations because you, and your body, are learning something new that will also enable you to have an even greater enjoyment of sex with your partner (and help her to have great enjoyment as well so she will come back looking for more in the days ahead).
Prolonging Your Orgasm with a Partner
This exercise begins with the man lying on his back, and assumes that you're able to communicate your needs and feelings to your gal. Ask your partner to begin a genital caress with her hands and/or mouth. As she does this, give her lots of feedback as you reach a series of low-level peaks, from level one to six. Obviously for this to work, you need to tell your partner when to back off and when to intensify her caresses.
Once you have completed these peaks, switch positions with your partner lying on her back with her legs in the air, slightly bent. You want to be on your knees, with most of your weight being supported by your legs. Do a series of peaks while having intercourse with your partner, start with some slow penetration.
* Take plenty of time, peak up to level five, then back off by squeezing your PC muscles. Next peak to level six, then back off. Peak to level seven, then back off. Next peak up to level eight, then back off. Peak up to level nine, then back off.
* Now try the same thing with a series of fast, vigorous thrusting. The moment you stop thrusting, your partner must stop moving too.
* Finally, thrust almost all the way up to your point of no return at level 9.5. But this time, the moment you reach that point, both you and your partner should stop moving. Squeeze your PC muscle as hard as you can, (remember that the higher your arousal level, the harder you have to squeeze your PC muscle), take deep breaths, open your eyes, focus all your attention on your genitals and try to feel the semen moving from your testicles, to the base of your penis. (Any extra motion right now could cause you to ejaculate before you want to).
* If you stopped thrusting in time, you will have an orgasm without ejaculation.
* Back off and rest a little bit by starting some really slow, easy penetration to maintain your erection. Let your arousal level rise again, but this time, don't try to stop it. Pass level eight, then nine, and keep thrusting and go all the way. Let yourself have a full orgasm complete with ejaculation.
* Once you master this technique, you can prolong your orgasm as long as you like, can control when you have an orgasm and when you ejaculate. Of course as with any sort of physical skill, this technique takes practice and self control.
* If at first you don't succeed, keep on trying. Eventually you'll achieve the ability to control when, and how long it takes to ejaculate. In the process you'll gain a skill that makes you like Father Christmas, gals will look forward to your visit and will discover it takes a long time for you to come, and I can promise she'll be interested in playing with your toys while you find out who is naughty and nice.
Section Three--Cheating Women
Women cheaters are rapidly catching up to men because they are more independent than ever before, both economically and sexually. With more female breadwinners, it's no wonder they feel entitled to get their share of sex and are taking responsibility for their own pleasure. Women are less inhibited about asking for what they want and not being afraid to cheat if they don't get their needs met.
For women, communication is the most important ingredient in their relationship, so when the communication lines are closed, they retaliate by using their sexual assets.
The media has finally acknowledged female cheating on popular TV shows like ABC's Desperate Housewives, so just because the little wife is seemingly disinterested in sex, don't be surprised when you find out that she has been doing it with the pool boy and the gardener.
Top 10 Signs Your Woman is Cheating
1. She slacks off from doing household chores like the laundry, cooking family meals, or spends less time with the kids so she can spend more time with her lover.
2. She will be distracted when you are talking to her because she is daydreaming about her lover.
3. She will be less affectionate, spends extra time in the bathroom bathing and doing her hair and makeup for last minute events that do not include you.
4. She buys her own sexy lingerie.
5. She goes on a diet and joins a gym without telling you.
6. She wears more revealing clothes before she leaves the house.
7. She puts on more perfume than usual.
8. She starts criticizing you and comparing you to other men.
9. She isn't interested in going away for a romantic vacation with you.
10. She leaves the room when she answers her cell phone.
Why Women Cheat on Their Men
Almost as many women are cheating on their men, but the cheat for different reasons.
Some women are just as horny as men, so they will rumple the sheets even when everything is going well in the relationship just because they are bored. These women will go hunting for the occasional one night stand with a stud. So, if you're the kind of man who always puts his woman on a pedestal, just know that sometimes she wants to be ravaged by a bad boy who knows how to please her sexually.
Lack of intimacy is another reason why women will cheat. If her man is a selfish lover who just wants blowjobs and quickies, that's not enough to keep her faithful. Women crave to be touched in non sexual areas, they want to be romanced with candlelight dinners, receive trinkets for no special reason, be cuddled and caressed without any sexual agenda so they feel valued, respected, loved and desired.
But, the number one reason women cheat is to raise their self esteem. So guys if you are not paying enough attention to her, then she may be tempted to cheat on you especially when she meets a man who compliments her. Compliments are the bedrock of romance and women need to hear physical, appreciative and emotional compliments on a regular basis to feel valued.
What Women Want
If you want to get started pleasing your woman ...
* Give unexpected massages, hair stroking or other physical affection
* Only if sincere, tell her how much she means to you during lovemaking
* Compliment her with "just because" notes or phone calls
* Plan romantic evenings that will fill her with anticipation of what is to come
* Lavish her with oral sex and let her climax first
* Share romantic feelings
* Experiment with role-playing
However, if you want to really satisfy your woman and protect your marriage, read on for more details.
It's no secret that women are known for being sensitive and more in touch with their emotions than men. However, they still place much importance on intimacy, the physical characteristics of their significant others, as well as themselves, and sexual gratification. There are many important qualities that women look for whether it be in bed or simply in a lover. Below are some of the most common qualities to read over and make note of how many you have and how many you can improve after reading through this e-book. Sex is an art that requires awareness and knowledge of a woman's needs and desires. I will share just what it takes to please a woman in every way possible and will give you the basic tools to acquire more information about women and what they want in bed. Listed are many things that a woman wants in a lover, some which coincide with what men also appreciate while others specifically target the needs of a female.
* Men who communicate openly
* Men who take initiative
* Men who can provide undivided attention
* Creative and inquiring men
* Sexually, emotionally, and mentally intimate men
* Men who care about their appearance from their clothing to their cologne
* Men who can read a women's desired communication style (i.e. verbal or visual)
* Men who find pleasure in satisfying their woman
* Confident and courageous men
* Men who know the art of kissing and the techniques of foreplay
* Men who know exactly where a woman's erogenous zones are located
* Men with the ability to control their ejaculation to lengthen their love making
* Men willing to provide a sensual massage without any agenda
* Men who know how to give positive feedback as well as receive it
* Men who enjoy giving women what they want in bed as much as what they want outside of it.
To begin to better understand what a woman needs or wants, it is best to understand the importance of intimacy and exactly what that entails. It is often confused that intimacy is a single aspect of a relationship such as only the physical part. People mistake intimacy in this way so having sex automatically would mean two people were intimate. Although there is some truth behind the physical perspective, alone it doesn't encompass all the beauty of intimacy as it can be emotionally and intellectually stimulating as well.
What is intimacy and how can I experience it? This is a universal question I am asked so often that I would like to give you my definition of intimacy.
"Let's start by breaking down the word intimacy and look at it phonetically. Into sounds very inviting doesn't it? When you get into something, it means you really want to be there, right? What about Me See? You're saying "This is ME. SEE me, all of me, because I have nothing to hide." It's like having a long zipper from your head to your toes, opening it and saying "Here I am." Intimacy is about getting rid of protective layers and facades by revealing yourself to someone you truly love.
Intimacy is not a wild, rapid passion, but a slow burning passion.
* Intimacy doesn't have to be serious; it can be fun like a Monopoly game. Your goal in Monopoly is to own expensive hotels on Park Place, but you can't do that until you have purchased some less expensive properties on Baltic Ave. It's the same with intimacy. Your goal is to connect with someone mentally, emotionally and sexually, but you have to work your way up to it. You can do so by taking your time, getting to know your partner, exploring non-sexual areas and work up to primary erogenous zones.
* For intimacy you need to be 100% present and enjoy the journey as much as the destination.
* When a woman feels intimate with her man, she feels safe and she will surrender herself to him so she can feel ultimate pleasure and satisfaction without any inhibitions.
* For a man intimacy can be better than sex because it takes the pressure off performance and it makes him feel valued by his partner.
As a visual aid to demonstrate the five keys to intimacy, I ask my clients to hold up their prominent hand as we go through each finger to define the five steps to Intimacy:
1. Thumb--When we raise our thumb, what does it symbolize? Everything is OK. Your thumb represents your ego. In order to experience intimacy you need to surrender your ego. Intimacy is not about conquest, but a personal journey with someone you love. So step one is to surrender your ego, let your partner see who you really are, even when you're feeling vulnerable.
2. Forefinger--When you wag your forefinger at someone or when they wag it at you, what does that represent? This is the finger of authority and knowledge. But what about when you were a child and you pointed your forefinger, what did it represent then? You poked around inquisitively at things with a mind of interest and enthusiasm. So the second step towards intimacy is to take initiative, always be curious and willing to learn about your partner's wants, needs, desires and fears.
3. Middle finger--What comes to mind when you see a person holding up a single middle finger? It's called the "swear finger" and it means "up yours" in slang terms. It's a sign of defiance! Yet it's a sign to express how you feel. In relationships men often repress their feelings, especially successful and powerful men who learn success comes from suppressing their feelings because to show them would be a sign of weakness. But you cannot experience intimacy without letting your defenses down and your emotions out. Soften your swear finger and you'll experience the third step towards intimacy. That is to open up your heart, verbalize and demonstrate your emotions to your partner because they cannot read your mind.
4. Ring finger--This is the finger people use to display their wedding ring. It's also the finger of hope and trust. You wouldn't dream of marrying someone you didn't trust. The fourth step to achieving intimacy is for you to earn your partner's trust and respect by being non-judgmental, unconditionally supportive and loving. A prelude to this is to trust and respect yourself first because if you don't, then you can't expect your partner to either.
5. Pinky--What do you think when someone presents you with their pinky? Promise. As children we interlock pinkies when we want to keep a pact. So let's apply this rule as the fifth step to intimacy for representing the promise of a deeper connection through open and honest communication. Make time for quality communication with your partner every single day where you both take turns talking, listening and acknowledging each other.
Being intimate with your lover will result in better, longer, deeper and more exciting sex for you!
It is beneficial to first grasp the meaning of intimacy and discover all five approaches to helping free your inhibitions and soon achieving it. With that knowledge, you can improve your communication also. Women often accuse men of not listening when they're speaking even though men may hear every word. Sounds confusing, but it isn't. Communication is a process not an inherent ability to hear well. To communicate effectively with your partner means listening, interpreting and providing feedback.
This will bring you closer to any woman. You may already know it since it is based on what has become a stereotype. And yet, like too many stereotypes, this one is based on a grain of truth: Women like to talk. Taking it to an extreme, it is irritating to men, I know. But men should realize that a gal's tendency to be more verbal than men is there for a reason. Women's brains operate in a slightly different manner than men's brains do. It's a scientific fact that men are primarily left-brained. This means they are more mechanical, practical and logical than women. Now the right-brain, which most women use predominantly, is responsible for nurturing, loving, and sensitive behavior so you can see why men and women communicate from two completely different levels. I hate to say this, but women are capable of using both sides of their brains simultaneously and much more effectively than men, which is why so many women are good at multitasking. Men have to shut off the left-brain before they can tap into the right brain.
The secret that most men fail to learn is that by talking to a woman, you bring yourself closer to her. Not only that, you make her more interested in having sex. That's right; the old "fast-talking man" that is ugly yet manages to get one woman after another into the sack with him is no myth. It can happen, and the key is that the guy is not rich, handsome, or well endowed (those only make the job easier), but rather he knows how to open up and talk to a woman.
You heard right. Your most important sex organ isn't between your legs but rather between your ears. This is where all sexual behavior begins and every man has the same sized sex organ. It's what you do with it that counts. Use it, or lose sex.
Of course like other skills, verbal sexual banter can be abused. And while it is true that the slick-tongued devil may get a woman into bed more easily the first go around, that doesn't mean you can lie through your teeth and expect more than a one-night stand (and maybe not even that when the word gets around among those who have been duped). But being able to verbalize with a woman is an important skill, and one that can not only make that first encounter better, it can also become a tool to help build a lasting relationship with the woman of your dreams that you want to build your life around.
Guys tend to think that a new car, a handsome body, or fancy clothes and gifts will win a woman over. According to most women though, these things are worthless compared to a quality conversation. In fact, words are even better tools (and also a lot cheaper). More than a few lovers have discovered that the whispered suggestion, especially when it is in the ear of a woman, can be very arousing. Learn what the "secret password" to your gal is and you will make your life more entertaining and be started on the road that will lead to her satisfaction, adoration, and loyalty as well.
Primary Means of Communication
You'll find that words and voice-quality are important ingredients in heightening your sexual arousal. By using words and phrases that excite you, you can bring greater passion to your life by opening up doors of communication, which may have been closed for too long. Some people favor a primary visual sense, others are more kinesthetic, and some are more auditory. Good lovemaking involves all three representational systems.
Visual people want to know how they look. They want to see images, and they like to look at the person talking to them. They also enjoy someone who speaks with passion and has lots of expression in their voice. Visual people want to be admired for how good they look. They want to be seen as sexy, beautiful and handsome. Tell them, "Your outfit looks great" or "Your hair looks really good that way." Providing this sense of feedback to those that value their appearance can help in opening them.
Kinesthetic people are feeling oriented. They like to be held, touched, stroked, and they like to hear what you are feeling and sensing when you are with them. They want to relish the emotional feelings of words and favor slow, sensuous dialogue. Tell a kinesthetic person, "It feels so good to be with you" or "Your skin feels like silk." Make sure to include feelings in your touch without using your words. Fingertips and soft kisses can tell a kinesthetic person more than you might imagine.
Auditory people are good listeners and like the sound of words. They enjoy great detail and will often analyze what has been said. The tone of the voice is important for an auditory person and the inflections used in a sentence can make the difference between ordinary and extraordinary communication. Give an auditory person a lot of information about why you like them and what you like most about them. Tell them "I like being with you because you have so much to say." Then explain what they said that impressed you.
Here are some key words that will identify if a person is visual, kinesthetic or auditory:
Ask your partner which area is the most important in how it makes her feel sexually. "Is it the way I look at you that turns you on the most?" Or "Is it the things I say and how I say them that are the most exciting?" Or, "Is it the way I touch you that really gets you going?" It may be a combination of two or all of these areas that arouses your partner.
Ask your partner, "What are the things I can do to excite you the most?" Talk with each other and discover what is most erotic to your lover. Then practice!
Once you have mastered the primary means of communication, I'd like you to focus on mastering your emotions. Whenever you feel a negative emotion such as frustration, distress, sadness, regret, fear or anger, close your eyes for a moment before you act upon these negative emotions. Shake your body out and ask yourself, "Is this a matter of life or death?" Hopefully, and more than likely, the answer will be, "No." Now you have the opportunity to turn your negative thoughts into positive, productive thoughts, such as contentment, satisfaction, joy, confidence, excitement and of course love. How? Simply by focusing on what you want to happen and what you expect to happen in the near future. Your subconscious mind is your servant and whatever you think, you will manifest.
The Proper Way to Kiss
An important point to remember is that women like to be prepared for sex and need approximately 20 minutes of foreplay before they're ready to go for the gold. You may be ready at the drop of a hat, but she is not. So if you want her to come back wanting more in the future, take your time the first time.
For many years, guys and gals growing up getting their sex cues from Hollywood romances didn't have a clue about how to kiss. That changed with more realistic kisses coming to the movies, but now the pendulum has gone beyond that point with most movie kisses looking like the two combatants are consuming each other for lunch.
This has caused more than a few folks to fail to understand how a kiss should work, and what methods might be employed to arouse the ardor in a lover with a simple kiss.
Unlike today's movies, you shouldn't jump into your lover's mouth like a high-speed chase through a tunnel. Instead, build her anticipation by kissing all around her face. Begin your kiss slowly and gently with emotion and sensitivity.
First, kiss without using your tongue, slightly open mouthed, with sweet breath. Only after this initial modest kiss should you start to get serious, and only when your lover indicates that she's ready for more (usually by using her tongue or by opening her mouth more widely to invite your tongue in).
From this point, there are a variety of ways you can continue this interplay:
* Take your lover's bottom lip between the two of yours and suck gently.
* Trace the outline of your lover's lips with the tip of your tongue.
* While kissing, lick you lover's teeth with your tongue.
* To increase sexual excitement, make your kiss wet.
* Wrap your lips around your lover's tongue and suck passionately.
* Use hot or cold liquids to create erotic sensations.
* Kissing her eyelids and ears.
The key to success in all this is to go slowly, and to keep things modest especially with the first few kisses. Be sure to follow your lover's kissing techniques and emulate them. Little by little the two of you will learn what works best.
Then put your knowledge to good use, bringing her slowly closer to consummating your encounter.
Female Oral Sex Techniques
Giving and receiving oral sex can makes some people feel inhibited about their own genitals. It can also be intimidating having someone look at you down there and your mind may be filled with fear of what you smell like, taste like and look like. But believe me, when you find someone you love and trust, oral sex will be one of the most intimate and erotic acts within a loving adult relationship. Here are some oral sex techniques for that special woman in your life.
* A woman is more sensitive so begin with less pressure than you would like.
* Kiss and lick the inside of her thighs to create sexual anticipation.
* Explore the entire Vulva (outside of the vagina) with circular tongue motions.
* Suck on her labia (vaginal lips) gently.
* Long lapping motions with your tongue from her vaginal opening to her clitoris.
* Use a pointy tongue all around the clitoris but not directly on it.
* Write numbers on her entire Vulva area with your tongue, then the alphabet.
* Slip one or two fingers inside her vagina as you gently lick her clitoris.
* Use a stiff tongue to lick her clitoris from side to side.
* Make humming sounds with your lips so they vibrate as you kiss the clitoris.
* Stroke her perineum (between the anus and vaginal opening) while sucking gently on her clitoris.
* Never rub or insert anything sugary in a woman's vagina because it will cause infection.
* Draw her closer by lifting her buttocks and kissing her vagina just as you would her mouth.
* Alternate pressure with your tongue as you lick long and short strokes from the anus to the clitoris.
* Insert a fingertip into her anus as you lick her clitoris.
* Gently pull her Labia Majora apart (outside lips) and lick the Labia Minora (inside lips) with the tip of your tongue.
* Nuzzle your face in her mound and brush your lips and nose over her clitoris.
* Insert your tongue into her vaginal opening with quick pointy motions.
* Flick your tongue over clitoris alternating from up and down and side to side.
* When she is on the verge of orgasm, make your lips into an O and take her clitoris in your mouth sucking gently. Insert one or two fingers and discover her G-spot while licking her clitoris.
* Lick her entire Vulva like an ice cream cone with lapping motions.
* Use your tongue like a snake sliding and twisting it inside her slowly, then fast.
* Suck on some ice before licking her vagina for a cool sensation.
* Drink some hot liquid and then suck and twirl your hot tongue over her.
* Don't change the rhythm of your motion when she is climaxing.
* Don't stop immediately after she has climaxed. Keep going until she stops you.
* Ask her how and where she wants you to lick, kiss and suck her. Have her direct you.
Remember that practice ... practice ... practice makes perfect!
How to Love a Woman
Always make your lover the center of your attention. Don't answer the phone while you're with her intimately. If you're married with children, tell them mom and dad need to have their private play time (and then make them honor that). Turn off the TV if you don't want to turn off your woman. Bring home little trinkets for no special reason. A single flower or some chocolates will let her know that you were thinking about her, even when she wasn't with you.
You can also do a lot to set the mood for a woman by stimulating all five of her senses. Some ways you might do this include:
* Play her favorite music, whisper sweet love-talk before, during and after you make love to her.
* Stimulate her sense of smell with fresh flowers, exotic incense, scented candles and her favorite cologne.
* Decorate the bedroom as if you were expecting a VIP to spend the night with pictures, ornaments and candles.
* Create new touches with oils, lotions, and powders.
* Consider making love on satin sheets and then tickle her with feathers.
* Order in a gourmet dinner or buy delectable snacks and feed her by hand.
You should undress a woman slowly and kiss and caress every part of her skin before making love to her. Sex should not be a race to the finish line. Go slowly and make love to each part of her. And learn how to remove a woman's bra with one hand in the dark so you don't fumble around and cause laughter that will break the mood.
Women like to fantasize about an upcoming romantic encounter. To create sexual anticipation, call her during the day to prepare her for the evening's events. Tell her what you plan to do to her. You can also send emails--just remember that what you write is like something you put on a postcard. Chances are good it will be read by others, so don't go into too many graphic details.
Every man should learn to give his lover a slow, sensual massage. Such a time is also good for helping you discover all of her erogenous zones from her toes to the top of her head. Simply ask her to rate your caresses and kisses from 1 to 10 and remember that she is not rating you, but her erogenous zones. Make a mental note of where key spots are that she rates 8 and above.
Try using ice, whipped cream or strawberry jam for foreplay, but be cautious to put it on a woman's body not inside her. The key is to build sexual anticipation and take her slowly toward her orgasm and wait to have your orgasm last.
Let your lover know that she's making a positive difference in your life. And show her how much you appreciate her by making her breakfast in bed. Write her love letters. Give her lots of compliments; physical, emotional, appreciative ones.
You can never be too romantic or too old-fashioned when it comes to winning a woman's heart. Take her on romantic walks or surprise her with a picnic lunch and you can't go wrong. Always kiss her goodbye and give her a big welcome home and don't miss an opportunity to kiss her at unexpected times in unexpected places.
Let her know what you love about her the most. Phone her in the middle of the day just because you want to hear her voice. Take her on a fantasy date once a week. Record a message of love for her to listen to at home or in the car.
Okay, you get the idea. Today's woman, like those of previous generations, wants a knight in shining armor. You may not have the horse or armor, but it is, and always has been, the chivalry that counts.
How To Give Your Woman a Sensual Massage
Massage is a great way to relieve tension, improve blood circulation, move energy around the body and sexually arouse your lover! Massage is also a mutually satisfying way of helping couples exhibit intimacy for one another. Ours is a culture starved for touch, and massage is a quick, easy means to feed this hunger. "Easy?" You may be asking yourself. Well, you don't need to be a certified massage therapist to give a great message. The most important component of a great massage is the desire to please your lover. So, here are some suggestions. For starters, set the mood for a romantic environment by dimming the lights, burning some candles and incense, playing your partner's favorite relaxing music and warming the room so that both of you will be comfortable. I know pretty soon you'll be making enough heat of your own, but it's always best to start at a temperature in which it's comfortable to work, especially since you should both be naked.
Pick up some scented mineral oil, massage oil or essential oils. Powder or cream works too if either of you objects to oil, but oil is my absolute favorite!
Begin with the Back Side
About two tablespoons of oil should be enough to start with. Pour the oil into your hands first and then rub your hands together so that they will be nice and warm to the touch. Then place your hands on your lover's lower back and let your hands glide up your lover's back all the way up to the neck, around the shoulders and all the way down and over the buttocks.
The Hand Slide
Now that you've got the oil on your lover's back, begin with your hands parallel to each other and slide them down each side of the spine, massaging all the way down to the lower back and over the buttocks. Then slide your hands up all the way to the neck, over the shoulders and down the arms to the fingertips. Repeat this motion at least six times. As you do this, ask your partner for feedback. If he/she is not the talkative type, just know that it's better to make the massage too soft than too strong. Remember, it's all about giving as much pleasure as you can.
For variation, try alternating one hand after the other as you pull up and stroke the sides of your partner's body. Start by placing both of your hands over one of your lovers hips and then gently pull up towards the spine. Then move your hands to the waist and pull up towards the spine. Then move your hands to the side of the chest or breast and pull up towards the spine. Then put your hands just under the armpits and pull up towards the spine. Don't forget to do both sides.
If you have ever kneaded pizza or bread dough, then this technique will be a breeze, but if you haven't, try squeezing your partner's back and buttocks between your thumb and fingers in a flowing motion (not too hard) with one hand and then with the other hand. Now slide your hands to another area on the back and repeat until your lover has been well kneaded from neck to buttocks. The fleshy parts of the body like the buttocks can stand more pressure, so feel free to squeeze just a little harder and gently spread the cheeks as you knead. This can be very exciting for the receiver.
Before you move onto the thighs, caress your partner's neck, shoulders, arms, back and buttocks with your fingertips in a feather stroke for at least five minutes. If you have fingernails, then gently scratch your lover with them. You can do this in circular motions, long fluid motions or from side to side. Let your light, tickly strokes and caresses create sensual anticipation for your lover as he/she won't know where you are going to tickle, scratch or touch next. If you have medium to long hair and you don't mind getting oil in it, then I highly recommend you use your hair to caress your lover's body. It is very erotic and highly memorable.
Moving Down to the Feet
You'll probably need more oil now so don't forget to put it in your hands first, then onto your lover's body. Now do the hand slide technique on the thigh and calf in slow motion. Follow this with the kneading stroke and then the feathery one. Do one leg at a time. The feet are a major erogenous zone so let's give those tootsies some attention. Take one foot at a time and smother it in oil, spreading it around the ankle, the heel and in between the toes. Now use the palm of your hand to slide over the bottom of your lover's foot back and forth about four times. Then gently rotate every toe clockwise and anti-clockwise and finally slither your forefinger between each toe.
Turn your Lover Over
Your lover will probably have a smile on his/her face because your massage is so relaxing and sensual. So let's continue the massage by focusing on the stomach and chest/breasts. Rub plenty of massage oil in your hands and then put your hands lightly on top of the belly button, slowly sliding them up the center of your lover's stomach and around their nipples, then back down to the belly button. Do this at least five times because it feels really good and it's moving energy around the body. Be very gentle around female breasts, feather strokes are more appropriate and pleasurable on and around the breasts. If you have medium to long hair and you don't mind getting oil in it, then I highly recommend you use your hair to caress your lover's body. It feels highly erotic.
Women have sensation in their nipples, but some more than others so here's your opportunity to find out how sensitive your lover's nipples are by giving them a nipple massage. Use your thumb and index finger to gently massage the nipple in a rotating motion moving clockwise then anti-clockwise. Ask for feedback so that you get the pressure just right. Then place your hand gently over the nipple and roll it in the palm of your hand. Finally, using your thumb and third finger, gently pull up on the nipple so that you are elongating it. Do one nipple at a time and make sure that all of these motions are done in slow motion. Observe your lover's body language and listen for pleasure moans and groans. Ask your lover to rate the nipple massage from 1-10 on a pleasure scale with 10 being the best.
When doing the side pull-ups, basically draw your lover's body towards you with the palms of your hands alternating one hand after the other. Do this motion from starting at the hips, moving to the waist, the side of the chest/breast and to the armpits just as you did on the back side.
Moving Down to the Feet
Before you get to the sexual organs, you should massage the front of the legs and feet as you did on the other side using all the strokes you have learned so far. Remember the hand slide, pull-ups, kneading, and feather stroke. Always end with the feather stroke using your fingertips, nails and/or hair.
Female Genital Massage
On the female genitals, you might want to use a water-based lubricant because if oil gets inside the vagina, it can cause irritation. Put the lubricant in your hands and rub your hands together before placing them on her vagina. Start by focusing on the vulva, which is the outside visible area of the vagina.
The Landing Strip
Gently rub the massage oil or lube around her vaginal lips all the way down to her anus. Using the pad of your thumb, trace the outline of her anus and then slowly slide your thumb up the landing strip (perineum) from her anus to her vaginal opening.
Then gently part her outer lips with both of your thumbs and caress them in circular motions for at least two minutes. Next, slide your thumbs up and down her outer lips until they are spread apart, and then do the same with her inner lips. The inner lips are more sensitive than the outer lips so use less pressure. Watch for her body language and for the swelling of her vaginal lips, which is a natural progression when a woman gets sexually aroused.
Gently pull the clitoral hood back from the clitoris to expose it. Then gently slide your thumb and forefinger up and down the sides of the clitoris for about ten strokes. You may feel it growing as it becomes more excited. A clitoris can grow three to four times its normal size when it's fully engorged. Next massage the head of the clitoris in circular motions using your forefinger or thumb. Don't be surprised if she has a body melting, earth shattering orgasm. The clitoris has 8000 nerve fibers and it's the primary sexual organ for a woman. Most women are capable of having a clitoral orgasm when it is stimulated.
A Final Thought
When giving a message, always remember to let your lover lead you to the places she would like to be massaged the most. Be sure to respond to your lover's needs--not your own. Combine stroking and pressure. Keep in mind, fleshy parts of the body--thighs, arms, buttocks--can stand more pressure than less fleshy parts like necks and ankles. While you're massaging, ask your lover to give you feedback in a positive way like, "I love having my nipples massaged." Or, "It feels so good when you use your hair on my back." By exploring your lover's body, you will enhance your relationship and you will find new areas of sexual excitement that will expand your sexual horizon. Massage is all about giving the most pleasure to your lover that you possibly can. It is a wonderful way to express yourself. Don't forget to take turns. It's important that you learn to receive massages as well as give them. Relax and enjoy!
How to Find the G-Spot
Playfully referred to as the "great-spot," the "glory-spot" and the "go-ahead-spot," the G-spot area was first identified by gynecologist Ernest Grafenberg who published results about sexual pleasure being derived from the urethra. The G-spot area is located inside the woman's vagina, about a third of the way in-between the vaginal opening and the cervix. It's somewhere between 1.5 to 3 inches inside the vagina on the upper wall so imagine a small clock inside the vagina and you'll find the G-spot between 11 and 1 o'clock (with 12:00 pointing towards the navel).
It has a ridged texture to it and responds to gentle stroking. The G-spot is also known as the female prostate gland, and unlike the male prostate gland, which has only two ducts, the G-spot has over 32 much smaller ducts. In many women, once properly stimulated, the G-spot can provide a very powerful orgasm.
Some women claim that stimulation of the G-spot can produce a longer, deeper, more powerful orgasm than a clitoral orgasm. The clitoral orgasm is felt like a release of tension in the genitals while the G-spot orgasm is felt throughout the body with more physical and emotional release. The G-spot also requires slower stimulation than the clitoris.
The woman should empty her bladder before beginning, especially since stimulation of the G-spot often creates the sensation of having to urinate. It's ideal for her to lie on her back with her pelvis raised by a pillow as well. Put your thumb on her pelvic mound or clitoris and insert your middle or forefinger inside her vagina, palm up, in a "come hither" motion. Pay close attention and monitor the feelings in your fingers while searching for the G-spot. Push gently on the outer third of the vagina's top region, between the vaginal opening and the cervix. When you touch a small, ridged patch area, your partner may feel sensitive, as if she needs to urinate. If her bladder is empty, the sensitive feeling will pass and be replaced with intense, pleasurable feelings.
For more pressure, use any combination of the other fingers. Touch her with long, linear strokes creating an energetic circuit between your thumb and your finger to stimulate the G-spot. Alternatively, pretend your fingers are a "windshield wiper" and stimulate the G-spot moving your fingers from side to side. Now put your thumb above the pubic bone with your fingers inside the vagina to stimulate the G-spot from inside and out simultaneously. Tap the G-spot area with your fingers toward her navel in pulsating motions. Ask her to tell you which movements please her most and to share her feelings of anticipation and pleasure. Beforehand, she might say, "I'm concerned that it might hurt." During, "It feels strange." Or, "Now it feels very intense." She might say, "I think I have to go to the bathroom." Or, "That feels so good--don't stop!"
Afterwards, ask her if she would like to try it again--not necessarily immediately, of course. But, you understand my point. Check in with her to find out what she thought of the experience. It's also interesting to note that many women have reported they have difficulty locating and stimulating the G-spot by themselves, but they have no difficulty identifying the erotic sensation when a partner stimulates the spot. The G-spot can also be reached by using a specially designed vibrator. G-spot stimulation may also produce an ejaculation--an expulsion of milky looking fluid, this is natural and some women ejaculated a small amount while others ejaculate a lot.
There are some lovemaking positions that are conducive to G-spot stimulation. Keeping the G-spot in mind, an interesting alternative to the missionary position is for the woman to rest her feet on her lover's shoulders. This allows for maximum stimulation of the back wall of the vagina and thus potential stimulation of the G-spot. The alternative to the woman on top position is for the woman to face away from her partner. This way, the whole of the vagina is stimulated, and the woman herself can decide where she wants to receive maximum stimulation. The rear entry alternative is for the man to lay the whole of his body along the woman's. In this position, the entire vagina is stimulated, but attention is concentrated on the upper part of the front wall, which means there is relatively good stimulation of the G-spot. An alternative to the standing position is for you and your partner to face one another--the woman lying back. In this position, the front wall of the vagina is stimulated, and good contact with the G-spot is made. Also, remember to check in with your partner in order to learn her particular "dos" and "don'ts" so that you can maximize her "oohs" and "aahs."
Venus Butterfly Technique and Multiple Orgasms for Women
78% of women do not explore the inside of their bodies. If they did, they would discover that the G-Spot can be a longer, deeper, more powerful orgasm than a clitoral orgasm.
The Venus Butterfly is an ancient Tantric lovemaking technique first practiced in India 3,000 years ago. It allows the female to experience a high peak of ecstasy by having two primary erogenous zones pleasured at the same time, the clitoris and the G-spot. It is advisable for the woman to empty her bladder before embarking on G-spot stimulation or Venus Butterfly Technique since it does stimulate the urethra.
Tantra is a Sanskrit (ancient Hindu language) word that means to weave energy Yin (female) and Yang (male) energy between two lovers. This energy includes our thoughts, feelings, physical and sexual actions. Tantric Sex is more intense, loving and respectful than a common quickie. Even the words for sexual organs are more poetic such as Pearl for Clitoris and Yoni for Vagina.
10 Steps to Venus Butterfly Technique
Directions for Lover
1. Kiss your lover passionately as you caress her entire body to get her juices flowing.
2. Give her oral sex (which is called "Honoring" in Tantra) and slowly tease her between her thighs as you make your way towards her Yoni/Vagina with your tongue.
3. Pull back your lover's Pearl/Clitoral hood
4. Stimulate her Pearl/Clitoris with short and long strokes using your tongue, fingers or vibrator until the woman reaches a level 8 on a pleasure scale of 0 to 10 with 10 being the point of no return: orgasm.
5. Move away from the Pearl/Clitoris and stimulate the entire outside of her Yoni/Vagina in circular motions with your tongue, finger or vibrator, allowing her arousal level to lower by a couple of points.
6. Return to Pearl stimulation as described above using short and long strokes until the woman reaches a 9 on the pleasure scale.
7. Ask her if she is ready for you to slip one or two finger's, palm up, inside her Yoni/Vagina and then tap on her G-spot towards the navel.
8. Meanwhile, continue to stimulate her Pearl/Clitoris with your tongue, while tapping her G-spot with your finger/s or you can use a G-spot vibrator.
9. If all goes well, she will have a mind-blowing, body-melting internal and external orgasm simultaneously resulting in multiple orgasms known as the Venus Butterfly.
10. Ask her for verbal feedback as you cup one of your hands over her Yoni gently to hold the sexual energy within.
Venus Butterfly Technique takes lots of concentration, coordination, and communication.
My Advice: Practice.. .practice.. .practice
Introducing the We-Vibe Sex Toy
You can experience the Venus Butterfly by using the We-Vibe, a clitoral and G-spot stimulator which can be worn while making love or on your own without a lover. See the diagram below to see how the We-Vibe is worn while making love.
For more information, visit: http://www.we-vibe.com
Dr. Ava's TriGasm
Through the ages people have been exploring their bodies, looking for new or different ways to get pleasure. Things once taboo have become completely acceptable like fellatio, thanks to former President Clinton, it will "go down" in the annals of history.
As you know, for most women it's the stimulation of the 8000 nerve fibers of the clitoris especially by a talented tongue that gives them the best and biggest orgasm. But then there are those who swear by the G-spot orgasm as being the ultimate orgasm. The illusive G-spot is definitely not a myth but a treasure, which, when explored, can result in a deeper, longer orgasm, and some women are even capable of ejaculating from it. People often find that which is taboo more sexually arousing, such as exploring that power-packed little bud of erogenous sensitivity located only inches from your vagina--the anus.
I have been teaching the combination of simultaneous G-spot and clitoral stimulation for several years. Couples love it. Women got some serious attention, learning how to climax internally and externally at the same time, and men felt like they were heroes. So, here's the revolution, the ultimate orgasm--TriGasm. A TriGasm is the result of arousing the 3 points of pleasure, the clitoris, G-spot, and anus simultaneously.
How do you achieve a TriGasm
You can use stimulation variations like anal beads, dildos, water faucet, or shower head.
With a partner:
Again, be sure to experiment with the variety of possible combinations in order to determine what pleases you most. Also, experiment with stimulation variations, such as using water, warm breath, or anal beads. Turn sex into adult play.
Speaking of anal beads, many people wince at the idea of anal play because they think of the anus as an exit, not an entrance. The anal canal is less than an inch long, and the majority of the nerve endings are located there. So, you don't need full penetration of the anus in order to experience pleasure. Your partner can use a feather, tongue, or pinky to stimulate or add pressure. If you enjoy anal penetration, go for it! But you should know the anus leads into the rectum, which is anywhere from 5 to 9 inches long. The rectum, in turn, leads to the colon, and we definitely don't want to go that far.
There are as many physiological reasons for women to enjoy anal penetration as there are for women to enjoy vaginal penetration. The anus participates with our genitals in the engorgement, muscular tension, and contractions of sexual arousal and orgasm. Anal penetration can also stimulate the G-spot.
Here are some tips for you as you go off on your TriGasm exploration. You will also want to have plenty of lubricant around, especially for anal play and G-spot stimulation. The final tip--take up juggling because you're to work on your coordination to master this technique, but it's well worth the effort and mighty fun learning.
So let's celebrate good healthy sex because nothing should be forbidden if it's done by consenting adults for their own pleasure. My personal ultimate orgasm is the TriGasm.
It may or may not be yours, but I hope you have fun finding out. As Mae West said, "Too much of a good thing is wonderful."
A kiss can be one of the most erotic exchanges between lovers. A kiss is often the first intimate physical contact with a new lover and some people believe they can tell a lot about a person's lovemaking skills by their kiss. Some people can reach orgasm through kissing alone. Not wanting to be kissed by your partner is a signal of trouble in the relationship. Making kissing a daily ritual will embolden and re-ignite passion in your relationship and it will keep the juices flowing. There are many different kinds of kisses: slow, quick, deep, wet, hard, soft, breathy, and then there is Tantric kissing. Kiss your lover at least twice a day and experiment with the different kinds of kisses from below:
* Eye Brow Kissing: Face your lover in Yab-Yum position, either woman on top or man on top, moisten each other's eyebrows, and then lean into each other with brows touching. Feel the energy flow from one to the other uniting the two of you into a higher level of consciousness.
* Synchronized Kissing: Embrace in your favorite lovemaking position with lingam and yoni touching, but not inserted. Lips slightly open and touching as you both inhale together gently and exhale together, sharing and synchronizing the same breath.
* Orgasmic Kissing: In a loving face-to-face intercourse position with lingam inserted into yoni, lock lips, eye-gaze and one person inhales as the other person exhales, then the other exhales while the other inhales. Share the deep level of intimacy and feel your lover's sexual breath enter your body and spirit.
If you cannot be a good kisser, you cannot be a good lover. Kissing initiates the first intimate physical contact between couples. A good kiss can re-ignite passion in a relationship and can even cause orgasm in some.
Be More Sexy Outside of Bed
Make your lover the center of your attention. Turn off the television, radio, computer or any other distractions if you don't want to turn off your woman. Bring home little trinkets for no special reason. A single flower or some chocolates will let her know that you were thinking about her.
You can also do a lot to set the mood for a woman by stimulating all five of her senses. Some ways you might do this include:
Listen to music, initiate love-talk before, during and after you make love. Let her get olfactory cues from flowers, incense, scented candles and cologne.
* Add sensual ornaments, pillows and accessories to your bedroom.
* Create new touches with oils, lotions, and powders.
* Consider giving her satin sheets and silk lingerie.
* Order in a gourmet dinner or buy favorite snacks and drinks (never make love on an empty stomach).
You should learn how to undress a woman slowly and appreciate every part of her skin before making love to her. Sex should not be a race. Go slowly and make love to each part of her. Be gentle and touch her so lightly it will leave her wanting more.
Try using ice, whipped cream or strawberry jam for foreplay. The key is to build sexual anticipation and take her slowly toward her orgasm. And always wait to have your orgasm last (more on how to prolong your ability to extend this time in a moment). Women thrive from instant gratification and getting what they want, but this is one time
where she won't mind working a little harder for it. After both you of have achieved your climax, make sure to hold your lady close and tell her how the experience was. Women fear a man who distances himself after making love. Nothing can instill more of a dislike towards men than one who "hits it and quits it" leaving a woman to feel blamed or used.
Let your gal know she's making and has made a difference in your life. Try making her breakfast in bed. Write her love letters. Give her lots of compliments.
You can't really get too romantic or too old-fashioned when it comes to winning a woman's heart. Take her on romantic walks or surprise her with a picnic lunch and you can't go wrong. Always kiss her goodbye and give her a big welcome home. Don't miss an opportunity to kiss her at unexpected times in unexpected places.
Fill her in on what you love about her the most. Phone her in the middle of the day just because you want to hear her voice and let her know that is why you called. Take her on a fantasy date once a week. Try recording a message of love for her to listen to at home or in the car.
Section Four--Cheating Prevention
Crazy as it may sound, a cheating spouse can be as much a wake-up call as it is heartache and devastation. The good news is that you can heal a hurt relationship and have a stronger and more honest bond than before with committed reconciliation and forgiveness. Restoring the bond of trust can only be done when two people decide that they want to stay together because they still love each other enough.
Open and honest communication is a major step to rebuilding the kind of friendship, trust, respect, passion and love that can prevent cheating in the future.
Creating and accepting new relationship boundaries and limits will go far in overcoming and preventing cheating.
Infidelity can be avoided if you:
1. Spend emotional and quality time together.
2. Kiss each other passionately, every day.
3. Avoid monotony--schedule adventures.
4. Flirt with each other--often.
5. Remain curious about each other's lives.
6. Don't keep secrets from each other.
7. Nip problems in the bud when they occur.
8. Forgive each other quickly to avoid anger and resentment.
9. Avoid tempting situations with someone you find attractive.
10. Communicate openly and honestly about your wants, needs, desires, and fears.
11. Exchange wish lists and make each other's wishes come true.
12. Always show appreciation for your partner.
13. Make time to have fun and laugh together.
14. Don't neglect your partner, especially on special occasions.
15. Keep the flames of passion burning by creating romantic, sensual, sexual and highly erotic memories.
16. Write a couples' mission statement together by sharing your heart values and goals for your relationship.
This is only the beginning, we will share many more suggestions, tips and techniques in this e-book on how to please your woman or your man.
How do you nurture everlasting love?
Love is a give-give proposition, and everlasting love becomes 100% give on each side. The nature of love is to pour out, it wants to give. Love is being flexible. Couples who have achieved everlasting love don't tuck each other away in an ivory tower until it is convenient to be together. I know of one sad pair who only made love at 4 o'clock on Sunday afternoons because it suited one spouse's schedule. Do you think they stayed together? Eventually one began to play around on the other until it looked as though infidelity broke up their marriage. When two people are bound by everlasting love, they care enough to consider each other's needs and bend a little. To paraphrase a wellknown allegory, the trees that can bow with the strongest breeze will survive any storm.
What Love is Not
Love is not handed to you on a silver platter. It is not automatic. If it were, it wouldn't be love. The very nature of love is that we grow into it. Love has a high value because it is an investment.
Love is not to be taken for granted. All too many couples give up trying when they have won each other; that's the very time to continue courting in new ways. Love is a precious gift that we earn, and anything we earn is all the more dear to us. You would not take a new car for granted; no, you keep up the maintenance for as long as the car lasts. Your everlasting love will need the same upkeep if you don't want to lose it.
Love is not a fleeting moment. It is not something you have one day and lose the next. We quest so for love because of its enduring quality and its ability to grow if nourished.
The ingredients of love. Like a good soup, love is made of many ingredients that blend just right. No one single element can serve as the whole meal. And it's hard to find a good soup recipe, isn't it? It needs special spices and maybe an unusual ingredient or two, like lotus root or exotic mushrooms. Even everyday potato soup has carrots, onions, garlic, salt; just the right seasonings.
Let's look at the ingredients in our love-potion soup. If you went to a sorcerer to help you find everlasting love, you would ask the magician to cook up the following:
Friendship. If you cannot rely on the person you love, then that person is not worthy of your love. And if your partner cannot count on you, you are not in everlasting love. Friendship means being able to say anything to your partner because you have that ease of "best buddies". Best friends never take advantage of each other; they are there to help one another. Any good partnership includes the same love you have for a best friend.
Trust. I am fond of an old--and trusted--axiom, that goes like this: "People who cannot trust should not be trusted". Distrusting people are often deceitful. I have found this to be a reliable measuring stick on the trust issue. But my rule-of-thumb is to give people the benefit of the doubt unless they prove otherwise. You cannot truly be connected to someone you cannot trust. That warm, mellow feeling we experience when we trust each other is a large part of everlasting love. Peace-of-mind in a relationship is vital to its stamina. And trust, like anything worthwhile, is something we earn over time, gradually.
Respect. As with trust, respect must be earned as well. It isn't automatic, although the seedlings of it may be there in the beginning of your relationship. Whether it can grow and blossom will determine the depth of your involvement. Respect can also diminish over time, and it is one of the most common reasons for ending a relationship. You must also respect yourself before someone else will respect you.
Passion. Yes, that all-consuming feeling of pure lust, euphoric, overwhelming, distracting, beautiful thing we call passion can be spontaneous or it can come on gradually, too. Passion either grows or it dissipates. Passion grows when you can be uninhibited with each other. And you break down any barriers by communicating. Passion fades when you have resentment, anger or contempt for your partner. Once again, here is an area that cannot be neglected or taken for granted in a relationship. Keep it alive by constantly creating new and exciting things to do together.
Communication. You cannot feel safe in a relationship without communication. You have to know where you stand, and you owe it to your partner to tell him or her the same. Knowing each other is the prerequisite to happiness in all areas. Communication is like that magic spice that brings out the flavor of all the other ingredients. Hey, that includes sex! Let your partner know it is safe to talk about fantasies and to explore them. Good communication can unleash strong creative energy between you and your partner. And with good communication, you can let your hair down and talk about anything. Not only does it enhance your partnership, it takes a big chunk out of everyday stress.
Growing with the power of love. Love heals. It can heal you, and it can heal your partner. Then the two of you together are like a new being, free to experience the present and future in all its possibilities, unhampered by the wounds of past relationships. Let's take a closer look at three domains of love.
Self love. The love of self is not conceit; conceit can be a lack of self-love or delusion about one's self in relation to others. I like what spiritual author Deepak Chopra says about love, because it fits into the meaning of loving and valuing one's self and self worth: "You know that you have fully experienced love when you turn into love." You become love by first loving yourself. What we often don't realize is that no reason exists for not loving yourself. It ultimately doesn't matter what you were told as a child by others. You can work through your past and let go of it or you can hang on to it. But on your deathbed, it will be how much you have loved yourself and others that counts. Self-love issues account for crime, misery, poverty. No one should be without his or her own love. You are first your own best friend and your own support. You couldn't do anything without your own love and support to back you up. It pays to take your needs seriously. Do special things for yourself that you may have postponed until you are in a relationship. Buy yourself candy or special treats. Give yourself a bubble bath each day, go to the beach, rent classic movies, or get a massage. Get to know you and how to pamper you. Any love you experience beyond that will only be greater. You must love and care enough about yourself to begin healing your own wounds. Then the right partner can work together with you on bringing out more of your own love, just for you.
Loving your partner. When you have invested in you and in loving yourself more, you have that commodity to bring to a relationship. Loving your partner is ongoing. Everlasting love means continuing to demonstrate your affection and devotion from day one until the end of time. Show each other that love is the meaning of life. One young man, a college student named Bob, said to his girlfriend Anne: "You know I love you, you shouldn't have to be told." On the contrary, you and your partner cannot tell each other often enough how much you care for each other. It has taken Bob a few months to realize that love is about expression: saying it, showing it, acting it out. One of the best ways to communicate love is through giving emotional and appreciative compliments.
Loving each other. Everlasting love is a give-give relationship. And two givers have to be two receivers, also. If two "takers" enter a union, they will only drag each other down and beat each other up. And a "taker/giver" union won't last either. It may work for a while, but eventually the giver will run dry and resent not having his or her needs met as well. But two givers going into a relationship will have unity. They know the balance of giving and receiving. Take something as simple as giving a compliment. Compliments are vital in a relationship. It can make a world of difference in your day when your partner looks at you and says: "I desire you as much as the day I met you." And giving is an ongoing thing. For instance, it can be just as important to give each other trinkets, for no particular reason, than it is to lavish your partner on holidays, anniversaries or birthdays. People love to be surprised, especially with little things that mean so much. One friend of mine collects unusual rocks for a garden the way some people grow flowers. She loves it when her husband brings home a crystal or mineral for her collection, especially if he takes the time to learn something about it. Most important of all, giving of your time to each other has a priceless value on it. Our allotted time on this planet is so precious. And when that time runs out and we are ready to move on to the next dimension, it is the memories we have created here on earth that we will be thinking about. It is never too late to begin creating more loving memories with the people we care most about. At the end of your life, you won't be thinking about your bank account, the stock market, or business competition. But you will want to hold loving relationships and their memories close to you.
12 Tips to Great Sex
I believe that regularly occurring and frequent sex will produce certain emotional and physical health benefits.
It has long been established that there are numerous health benefits related to sexual activity, an awareness that has been recorded in our culture for centuries in the form of such old wives tales such as "use it, or lose it." Just as if you don't use your household appliances regularly, they become rusty and break down.
Now you can tell your lover, spouse, significant other, or even yourself what you've hoped to hear for years! Not only is sex fun and exciting--it's healthy. "Sexercise" your body and see the benefits. Do it alone or with someone, but do it. Some of the same physical benefits you seek by working out at the gym are literally right at your fingertips.
Are you tired of waiting in line to use the barbells? Is the treadmill tearing up your kneecaps? Does that personal trainer show no mercy--no pain, no gain? Tone those muscles, improve your health and give your body a boost with Dr. Ava's Sexercise Tips.
Tip 1: Change sexual positions to stimulate different muscles.
Tip 2: Exercise the muscles in your tongue by using it to write the alphabet or love letters on your lover's body.
Tip 3: Give your lover a sensuous massage to stimulate their skin, improve circulation and help remove toxins
Tip 4: Men, squeeze your PC muscle to prolong lovemaking and control orgasm.
Tip 5: Ladies, exercise your PC muscle to squeeze your lover's penis and increase erotic sensations.
Tip 6: If you're feeling tense, set aside some quiet time and shut out the deadlines and pressures, if only for a "quickie."
Tip 7: An orgasm a day will keep menstrual cramps away by providing a natural decongestion, resulting in less of the pain that can be so...well, irritating.
Tip 8: Experiment when that live partner isn't around. This is the time to let your fantasies run rampant, use sex toys, erotic audios or videos to stimulate your senses and heighten your arousal.
Since sexual fulfillment also involves your brain, it can improve your concentration, and contribute greatly to your powers of imagination and creativity. If your work is getting you down, close your eyes and think about that ideal lover. I assure you, when you finish fantasizing; your mind and body will be ready to tackle the challenges those moments before seemed impossible.
Tip 9: Share your innermost thoughts and watch your relationship flourish.
If you trust each other implicitly, and love your partner with abandon, nothing will embolden your relationships more than the sharing of fantasies. What safer way for you single people to begin to share sexual intimacy than watching each other masturbate or helping each other to reach an orgasm without intercourse.
Tip 10: Use the power of suggestion and role-playing to make your fantasies come true.
Ladies, do you secretly fantasize about your special someone watching you do a striptease? Tell him. Men, do you have a fantasy where your girl friend or wife dominates you? Tell her! Are you curious about anal sex? Buy a butt plug and experiment. There is absolutely nothing too wild or unusual in sex, as long as it's between two consensual adults.
Tip 11: Try the Venus Butterfly Technique. Women have a multi-orgasmic capacity that may remain untapped without a little help from a "friend". Explore that illusive G-spot area.
The ultimate "sexercise" to practice with your lover may be Tantric sex. A sacred kind of love, Tantric sex helps you concentrate on both the healing and energizing effects of harmonious breathing. While making love in the lotus position, you breathe out as your lover breathes in, hypnotically relaxing, it aids in the exchange of yin and yang (male and female energy). If there is a better way of getting in touch with your masculine and feminine selves, I'd like to hear about it!
Tantric exercises share a deeper ability to communicate. It is the purest way of sharing the best prescription for health--SEX!
Tip 12: Give her a TriGasm! A TriGasm is the result of arousing the 3 points of pleasure, the clitoris, G-spot and anus simultaneously.
Learn to share your bodies without embarrassment and the trust that you develop for each other will be a solid foundation upon which to build a future together.
The pleasure, which comes from watching the love of your life, reach his or her pinnacle of sexual satisfaction, can be the most beautiful sight in the world.
Sex is Good For Your Health
By enjoying ourselves sexually we can actually improve our bodies both physically and mentally. Did you know that during sex, the flow of blood throughout the body not only improves circulation but also eliminates headaches? The improved flow of blood along the spinal column to the brain that results from an orgasm may just be the right thing to get rid of that migraine. No more cliche excuses ladies! Men, the next time your partner says, "I've got a headache," you can say "Good, let's make love and get rid of it." Even that heavy breathing with someone you love is healthy as you regulate and exercise your respiratory organs.
If you think you're overweight and need to lose a few pounds, there's no more fun way to do it than with increased sexual activity. It won't counteract the effects of overeating, but it does burn up calories, and, can also help turn fat into muscle more quickly than other forms of exercise--plus, working on that muscle tone can't be more fun then while having sex. The natural tensing of your muscles while engaging in sex can work on the shoulders, neck, biceps, thighs, abs, stomach and buttocks. The relaxation that follows helps work as a natural sedative.
Pump up your love muscles and the world will look a whole lot brighter.
Having trouble sleeping? Well, take Dr. Ava's advice. There is no better cure for insomnia than good sex. You feel so relaxed that it naturally leads you into a deep sleep--and guys, wrap your arms around your special someone. Help cuddle them off to dreamland. The opposite is also true, ladies. Imagine the magic of waking up in the morning by lovemaking at dawn. It gets both your hearts and minds racing--and, it's healthier than caffeine anytime.
The physical and emotional aspects of sex can, and do work together in improving self-esteem and adding to a sense of well-being. The unique sense of intimate connection with your lover cannot be duplicated by any other activity.
Believe it or not, sex can also work as a laxative, toning and controlling the lower abdominal muscles. The muscle relaxant post-orgasmic state has so many benefits that it can solve a host of problems, even constipation.
Stressed? What better cure than sex?
You will find that many of the symptoms of stress will disappear with a little loving. Not only will you feel a lot looser, you'll breathe better, and, some of those other problems relating to stress--poor judgment, short temper, or a sense of helplessness, will begin to fade into oblivion.
Feeling good sexually is a natural high that helps make all those little problems of the day seem a little less important. So, the next time you need a little relief and there is no one else around, masturbation is as good an activity as people once considered was bad. If you find yourself alone and without a partner, so what! We all occasionally find ourselves alone with time on our hands (pun intended). While my "sexercise" prescriptions are a lot of fun for couples, use your most erotic organ (your brain) and all the same physical benefits I've mentioned can be yours alone.
Getting in the Mood
Still unsure of just how to get things started? To some this is possibly the hardest part, but once you find what makes you comfortable it will become the most fun. Women love a man who is confident and courageous in himself and his actions. If you find yourself in the mood, but a bit unsure how to progress without appearing aggressive or just how to suggest it, you can make it fun and light. Whether you fear being inexperienced, or worried you may come across as being too experienced there are millions of ways to overcome the anxiety of moving forward.
Remember as a kid playing truth or dare and hoping someone would dare you to kiss your crush? Well you may not need a group of people hovering over you and the additional pressure but games have never lost their fun. There are plenty of erotic games or playful techniques to help get your woman in the mood and ready for you. For those who may not know exactly what they want or feel hesitant to ask, there are the "dirty dice." This game builds anticipation and excitement. Ranging from blowing gently in your lover's ear and trading foot massages to sucking and kissing other favored body parts, these cubes cover it all.
Others who feel bolder and are ready for a wild time there is the Tantric Lovers Game. This board game allows you to immediately release your inhibitions and will deepen your desires for each other in safe, fresh, expansive ways through mind-body-spirit connections. For a woman, it empowers her sexually, encouraging her to satisfy her own needs and desires as well as her lovers more fully and more passionately. For a man, it provides him with the tools to become multi-orgasmic, to experience new sexual heights of pleasures and to cherish, please and satisfy his lover in ways she can really appreciate. This game is guaranteed to improve communication, enhance intimacy, expand sexual horizons and extend lovemaking. Whether it is Love Coupons, promising to make her favorite dinner or a racy deck of cards that helps you get into character, games are a fun and easy way to transgress in new ways.
Throughout the ages, men and women have eagerly swallowed almost any substance that was called an aphrodisiac, no matter how unappetizing or bizarre. In our never-ending search for better sex, humans have consumed such diverse items as oysters, eels, elephant tusks, lion blood, bull testicles, rhino horn, ram penis, pig genitals, marijuana, and the dried remains of the Mediterranean cantharis beetle, otherwise known as "Spanish Fly." The sea is a rich source of legendary aphrodisiacs. Oysters, shrimp, clams, anchovies, and eels have been reputed since ancient times to increase sexual desire. Actually, the word Aphrodisiac came from Aphrodite the Greek goddess of love and desire, who herself was a gift from the sea. Many roots, vegetables, and fruits became known as aphrodisiacs simply because their shapes were designed by nature as a clue to their use. The ancients were always on the lookout for secret signs.
Based on shape alone, they chose to eat asparagus, bananas, carrots, celery, cucumbers, dates, figs, and tomatoes among others in the hope that they would arouse passion and bestow vigor. Eating the genitals of animals noted for their potency, such as bulls and rams, is another historical practice meant to ensure virility. Are these substances of mythology really aphrodisiacs? As it turns out, some of them do work as sex boosters. For example, oysters are a prime source of zinc, one of the essential minerals for men. Semen is rich in zinc, and adequate zinc is needed for sperm production and hormone metabolism. Oysters also release testosterone in women.
Now let's have Fun with Food and Sex
Let's face it: if you're passionate about food, you're more likely to be passionate about sex. And, if you've never tried combining the two, here's your chance.
An aphrodisiac is described in the Encyclopedia Britannica as:
"... the psycho-physiological reaction that a well-prepared meal can have upon the human organism. The combination of various sensuous reactions, the visual satisfaction of the sight of appetizing food, the olfactory stimulation of their pleasing smells and tactile gratification afforded the oral mechanism by rich, savory dishes tend to bring on a state of general euphoria conducive to sexual expression."
An aphrodisiac is anything that turns you on. This could mean anything from driving your new sports car or eating a marshmallow. These are common ones; people also tend to have extremely personal turn-ons that most people would never think of, or that might even turn others off--perhaps clown shoes, or balancing a checkbook, or even having a good bowel movement. There are two kinds, psychological, which include fantasies, and physiological, which have physical effects on your body such as mood, setting, and food.
Psychological Aphrodisiacs Include
* Things which bring back memories of pleasant or pleasurable events
* Ideas which you find exciting, such as fantasies
* Being made to feel important or special
* Wearing sexy clothing
These are often very personal and individualized, but they also usually work consistently on the same people.
Physiological aphrodisiacs are those substances which somehow have a physical effect on the body. Typically, these may have relaxing effects on the nervous system, but they may stimulate as well. They could be substances which have direct effects on the sexual organs, or they could simply work by strengthening the whole body. The most powerful aphrodisiacs work on both physiological and psychological levels The smell of jasmine, a physiological aphrodisiac, which also brings you back psychologically to that incredible night when you made love in the garden by jasmine bushes.
1. The correlation between food and sex: Food and sex are two of the greatest pleasures known to mankind and both appetites need to be fulfilled. They are part of our vital life force and stimulate all of our senses.
2. When you cook with love: If you put your heart into cooking, you will undoubtedly do it better. Cooking with love nourishes your relationship physically, mentally, and spiritually.
3. The most romantic dish you have ever prepared. Holiday dishes are always special occasions so that's when I pull out all the stops. Besides, many restaurants and hotels are fully booked so I prefer to stay home. On Halloween I stuffed baby pumpkins with caviar and on Valentine's Day I served heart shaped pancakes to my husband in bed and in the evening we had a picnic right in the middle of our bedroom.
4. Cooking with attitude especially for someone you love. The love and energy you put into cooking is what you'll get out of it. Attitude affects cooking just like it affects anything else. Cook with passion and creativity to keep the sizzle and spice in your food and relationship.
5. Tips for spicing up your love life with food. Turn eating into a sensual ritual. Begin with ice and use it on your erogenous zones. Everyone has unique areas that can be stimulated to produce sensual and erotic feelings. Rub the ice up and down your lover's spine, behind their ears and down the neck, around the breasts, on the inside of the thighs, and so on. Spray whipping cream on the parts of your lover's body you most enjoy licking off. Hide a dab of honey on your body and let your lover find it using nothing but their tongue.
6. The craziest thing a couple can do with food. A couple told me that they poured flavored gelatin into their shower head, turn on the hot shower and took the most delightful gooey, slippery and sensual shower of their lives. Now that's what I call creating a memory.
7. The most romantic foods. Any food you eat with your fingers can be romantic. Some foods are known aphrodisiacs like oysters because they are filled with zinc which helps increase production of testosterone, while others are simply visually stimulating such as strawberries.
8. Why should a couple experiment with food and sex? It will enhance the senses, turn sex into adult play, expand their horizon, and bring them closer together.
9. The history of food and its connection with love and sex. It all started with Adam and Eve and the forbidden fruit. Even today, forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest. In ancient Rome and Greece eating was always the center of attraction for social events and people ate reclining with Nubian slaves feeding them.
10. How does a couple get started with food and sex? Begin by setting the mood for love and stimulating all the senses. For example oranges can make your home smell fresh and inviting, so can apple pie or cinnamon. So find out what your lover's favorite food aromas are and indulge them. Then share meals together and feed one and other. Even if you're on a diet you can share an asparagus by one person taking one end of the asparagus in their mouth and the other person taking the other end, then meet in the middle. This can be fun with carrots, celery, and pasta too.
11. An intimate dinner. It would have a variety of flavors, textures and it would look like a work of art. For example, fresh shrimp cocktail presented in beautiful glasses, followed by a light colorful salad sprinkled with sesame seeds, then a juicy, succulent piece of meat or a soft, fluffy fish with designer vegetables, and delicious chocolate souffle to complete the meal. Mmm, it sounds orgasmic, doesn't it?
12. Tips for putting the sizzle back into a relationship. Communication is the key ingredient for a consistently successful relationship and the use of fantasy will spice up anyone's love life. So I suggest that one person begins telling their partner their fantasy, and then the other person has to finish the fantasy. If both of you like it, why not make your fantasy come true. For example, your fantasy may begin like this: "My fantasy is to take a lovely picnic basket filled with fresh fruits, vegetables, and an assortment of chocolates and sweets to a beautiful deserted beach somewhere in the tropics. As we lie next to each other basking in the sun, I roll on top of you and give you a long, deep passionate kiss. You take me in your arms and then...." Now it's time for your partner to complete the fantasy and see where it takes you both.
13. Chocolate and seduction. Chocolate has always been used as a temptation. Even when you were a child, you were either deprived of it when you didn't behave or rewarded with it when you were good. There is scientific evidence that chocolate releases the same pleasure hormones in your body that you feel when you're in love so it's no wonder that it's so addictive. Feed your lover chocolate and let the swooning begin.
14. Erotic Food. Any food that resembles the sexual organs is visually erotic. Figs and bananas are naughty looking fruits that can stimulate our most erotic organ, our brain. Foods that look, feel, smell, and taste good such a marshmallows are also erotic because they are soft, white, and fluffy and melt in your mouth. Actually chocolate covered marshmallows sound even better.
15. Dripping in ecstasy. Achieve total decadence, uninhibited indulgence of your favorite foods combined with wild and wonderful sex, by using food on top of your lover, not inside them.
16. What do Americans need to learn from Europeans when it comes to bonding with food? To take their time and savor each meal. Turn it into a sensual ritual and enjoy the aroma and taste of wine as part of the whole experience.
17. What's the best reason for taking food out of the dining room and into the bedroom? Because the bedroom should be a sacred place just for love. No negativity, no talk of problems. When you take food into your bedroom it automatically becomes seductive so always have your favorite finger foods ready before you start making love. After all, who wants to make love on an empty stomach?
What do men want?
Generally speaking they want fast food and fast sex.
What do women want?
Most women enjoy gourmet food and gourmet sex.
How do you spice up a 30-year relationship with food if the couple has never experimented with food and love before? Exchange a wish list of three things that you think will heighten a romantic experience for you that include food. Exchange the lists and make at least one wish come true for your partner. On a picnic, feed each other finger foods and turn your sex life into adult play by doing the things you used to do when you were dating.
What's more important in a relationship...good food, love or sex? Why? When you have good love, your food will taste good and your sex will be good too because you have a firm foundation for your relationship. Many people overeat because they are not getting enough love or sex so the answer is that we all need a healthy balanced diet in food and in our relationship
We all have our own boundaries and if we don't share those with our lover then we can't blame them when they overstep them or violate them. Cheaters obviously have issues with boundaries, but they deserve the same respect as anyone else when it comes to communicating all boundaries and deal breakers.
Earlier, I mentioned a married couple whose deal breaker is not to bring home any STD's or get anyone pregnant. If either of them has a sexual desire, they don't deny themselves, but take action to satisfy it. And that's cool with them.
I also mentioned another couple whose definition of cheating includes fantasizing and flirting with someone else. They keep each other on a short leash, but it works for them. So, the lesson here is to know your limits including relationship deal breakers and tell your partner because they can't read your mind.
Set Your Boundaries
Purpose: To be aware of and share physical, emotional and sexual boundaries with your partner.
Why it works: Because if you don't know what your boundaries are, then you cannot express them or blame your partner for overstepping them.
How to facilitate it: Create a Boundary Box, then write all of your boundaries on separate pieces of paper and fill the box with them.
What are the benefits: Having boundaries gives you self-value and respect. Communicating your boundaries to others lets them know your limitations and deal breakers. It can be a powerful form of communication between couples that can result in a deeper level of intimacy.
I have the right to determine when, where, how, and who is going to touch me. I have the right to determine how close someone is going to stand next to me.
--Don't touch my butt in public
--I won't hug people I don't know
--Don't make out with me in the movies
--Brush your teeth before you kiss me in the morning
--I will leave you if you raise your hand to me
--I won't kiss people I just met, even on the cheek
--I won't dance with anyone I don't intend to have sex with
What I think or feel or do or don't do is more about me than it is about you. Conversely, what you think and feel or do or don't do is more about you than it is about me.
--Don't talk about our sex life in public
--Don't compare me to other lovers
--Don't talk about past relationships
--Don't kiss strangers hello or goodbye
--Don't flirt with other people
--I'll leave you if I find out you've been unfaithful
I have the right to determine with whom, where, when and how I am going to be sexual with someone
--No anal sex
--I won't go down on you
--I don't want to kiss you after you've given me oral sex
--I will not have a threesome or group sex
--Don't pinch my nipples
--I won't have sex with you when you are watching porn
--I won't wait until you have your orgasm to have mine
Sharing your boundaries can lead into sharing your sexual fantasies.
Share Your Fantasies
Purpose: To share and experience each other's sexual fantasies and have fun doing it
Why it works: When couples act out each other's fantasies, they gain a better understanding of what the other wants, needs and desires
How to facilitate it: After setting the mood for romance, write down all of your sexual fantasies on blank cards and separate them into two piles. The first pile is for fantasies you both want to remain as fantasies (such as group sex) and the second is for fantasies you both want to turn into reality (such as erotic talk).
What are the benefits: Sharing sexual fantasies is healthy, fun and natural for all couples. Fantasies can improve intimate communication, rekindle passion, raise a diminished libido, boost intimacy, are an exciting avenue of escape, heighten enjoyment of sex, opens one up to new activities and can turn sex into adult play.
Male Fantasies are ...
1. Twice as likely to be triggered by what men have heard, seen or read
2. More sexually explicit
3. More physically arousing
4. About their objects of desire
5. More likely to specify sexual acts
6. More visual in content
7. More likely to contain details about physical appearance
8. More likely to involve anonymous or stranger partners
9. More likely to involve multiple partners
10. More likely to involve a variety of partners
Female Fantasies are ...
1. More emotional in content
2. More sensually arousing than sexually gratifying
3. About affection and commitment
4. About implied behaviors and thoughts
5. More likely to have familiar partners
6. More descriptive (characters, setting, plot, dialogue)
7. Often themed around tenderness and loss of control
8. About themselves as objects of sexual desire and recipients of related activities
9. More slow to unfold
10. More focused on caressing and intimacy
Caution: Never ridicule or be judgmental about your lover's fantasies or they may be tempted to cheat with someone else who can make them come true.
Our findings offer windows into the perspectives of people who have cheated, who maintain cheating relationships, whose partners have cheated on them and who have been secret lovers. While 49% of our respondents contend that cheating is wrong, nonetheless 63% report having cheated. Their viewpoints on what is cheating, their feelings about having cheated and/or being a secret lover and the circumstances in which cheating would be acceptable vary according to gender and generation. Males, Baby Boomers and their Generation Y offspring find the most satisfaction with cheating, while females and members of Generation X report higher levels of discomfort. Females who have been cheated on consider to a wide spectrum of emotionally bonding activities to be cheating, while males largely contend that only activities that specifically engage the genitals are cheating. The majority of females and those under 35 contend that there is no acceptable reason to cheat, while males and those over 36 consider sexless marriages/relationships justification for cheating.
10 Relationship Solutions after Cheating
The good news is that you are not alone and there are many solutions to help you recover from a cheating partner. There is no cookie cutter solution for cheating, so take the time to evaluate your situation and then choose from the following exercises the ones that will enable you to have the kind of healthy relationship that you deserve.
1. Control Chart--YOU are in control of your destiny
Purpose: To write down and identify things in your life that you believe you have control over versus the things you have no control over.
Why it works: Because it reveals where you feel empowered as opposed to where you feel disempowered and need help in taking control of your life.
How to facilitate it: Rate what you think you have control over from 1 (poorest) to 10 (most effective). Then go through your list and think of creative ways that you can take control.
What are the benefits? Discovering how what you have control over motivates you to be successful, whereas what you believe you don't have control over is neglected and limits your potential. You can change that by taking control over your life.
2. Love List--Share your love list with your partner
Purpose: To list all the things you love about your partner mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually and spiritually.
Why it works: Because everyone needs to be reminded of all the things that makes them lovable. It makes them feel valued.
How to facilitate it: Write down your Love List of all the things that made you fall in love with your partner in the first place, all the romantic things they have done for you, all of their positive qualities and attribute. Then take turns reading your lists.
What are the benefits: Sharing a Love List can reinforce the foundation of your relationship. It can open up the doors to communication, build confidence and mutual support to recover from the cheating.
3. Building Together -The more you do together, the longer you'll stay together
Purpose: To spend quality time, find something you have in common and create positive memories together.
Why it works: When couples collaborate it helps them to learn each other's communication style and teaches them to work together effectively.
How to facilitate it: Choose a project that you both want to work on. For example: Create a collage by cutting out various pictures that represent the life you want together or decorate a room.
What are the benefits: Building together can prepare you for long term commitment, get to know each other's weaknesses and strengths and help you to resolve conflicts, all resulting in a deeper level of intimacy as long as you show care and concern towards each other.
4. Passion Wheel--A carousel of passionate treasures to choose from
Purpose: To create romantic, sensual and sexual activities together that can become integrated into your relationship to rev up your sex drive.
Why it works: It is created by you as a couple who can both express your needs.
How to facilitate it: Draw a circle and then divide it up into 12 parts. Each person gets to write what activities they want to do to enhance the relationship equally. For example: talking, cuddling, kissing, caressing, oral sex, intercourse, etc. Then each partner takes turns choosing one activity from the Passion Wheel each day.
What are the benefits: You can rekindle the passion and expand your sexual horizon making your relationship intimate both emotionally and physically.
5. Journaling--What you write is what you reap
Purpose: To write and keep a journal that explores your thoughts and feelings about significant things in your life.
Why it works: Because it can help you to feel better about yourself. Seeing your emotions in black and white makes it more real and can result in valuable self-knowledge.
How to facilitate it: Take some blank journals and give them titles to choose from: Accomplishments, Romance, Pleasure, Love, Relationship, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Rewards, Intimacy and Sex Journal.
What are the benefits: Easy access to remind you of all that you have accomplished. For example, in your Gratitude Journal, you can write a list of all the positive in your life and focus on what your partner has done right for you as opposed to what they have done wrong. The benefits are physiological because when a person feels gratitude, they release feel-good endorphins that flood the body, resulting in positive energy and wellbeing. Other benefits include: that gratitude rubs off on other people.
6. Mutual Love Agreement (MLA)--Create your our own Love Contract
Purpose: To create and agree upon a mutual understanding of your relationship boundaries with new rules.
Why it works: Because both parties are able to express and negotiate their personal needs in a written format and hold each other accountable.
How to facilitate it: Draw up your own definition of a relationship agreement and list as many categories as you want including: social, relationship, sexual, spiritual, family, financial, health, physical, vacation, career, parenting, hobbies, etc. You must create this document together so that neither one feels coerced by the other. After all of the categories have been filled in by both parties, read and accepted without any uncertainty, both sign and date it.
What are the benefits: It is a commitment that you have created together that has nothing to do with the government or church. It can be used as an alternative to a prenuptial agreement or marriage certificate, for all sexual orientations to help avoid conflict during the relationship. However, should the relationship breakdown, it can be used to determine property ownership, debt obligations, support obligations, etc.
Sample MLA Agreement--Mutual Love Agreement
7. Boundary Box--Without boundaries, we cannot expect respect
Purpose: To be aware of and share your physical, emotional and sexual boundaries with your partner
Why it works: Because if you don't know what your boundaries are, then you cannot express them or blame your partner for overstepping them
How to facilitate it: Make a Boundary Box by using a cardboard box, wooden box or even a metal box. Write down all of your boundaries on separate pieces index cards or pieces of paper and fill the box with them. Include physical, emotional and sexual boundaries. Here are some examples of each.
Include PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES, EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES, SEXUAL BOUNDARIES.
What are the benefits: Having boundaries gives you self-value and respect. Communicating your boundaries to your partner lets them know your limitations and deal breakers. It can be a powerful form of communication between couples that can result in a deeper level of intimacy and a happy bond.
9. Tantric Levels of Touch
Purpose: Tantra is a mind-body-soul healing connection that can help to heal a hurt relationship through movement, breath, intention and attention.
Why it works: The sense of touch involves our bodies from head to toe because sensory receptors located in our skin (our biggest organ) allow us to feel things. Sensory awareness and touch can affirm self-esteem and create trust and openness
How to facilitate it: Take turns giving each other 6 levels of Tantric touch for at least 15 minutes for each level and ask your partner to give you verbal feedback on what they like as opposed to what they don't like.
1. Healing Level of Touch: Foot, shoulder or scalp rubs
2. Friendly Level of Touch: Cuddling, holding hands or touching noses
3. Romantic: Eye gazing, caresses or blowing your breath on your partner's body
4. Sensual: Kissing, slow dancing or massaging your partner
5. Sexual: Mutual masturbation, erotic talk or oral sex
6. Erotic: Sexual intercourse, anal sex or orgasm and ejaculation
What are the benefits: The energy of Tantric touching can help release blocked emotions so that you can let bygones be bygones. Through the sharing of love and kindness, you can resolve issues, learn from past hurts and move forward towards a new relationship on a clean slate.
10. Fighting Fair--Some people are more polite to strangers than to their partner
Purpose: To express your disappointment with your partner in a productive and respectful manner.
Why it works: Because when a couple is able to resolve issues quickly, they will not harbor resentment towards each other. They are able to forgive and move beyond disappointment through communication that results in a deeper relationship.
How to facilitate it:
1. Face each other, sitting and start with a neutral safe topic, not an argument. For example, "My day was filled with."
2. Flip a coin and whoever "wins" is the one who talks first
3. Speaker shares information, but not more than 5 sentences of things that happened during their day
4. Listener responds only when the speaker stops, and then repeats back what they heard in their own words
5. Ask the speaker if they understood everything that their partner said
6. Speaker should either confirm that the listener understood it, or that the listener missed something and repeats what was missed
7. The listener can then repeat what was missed and ask for confirmation again
8. The speaker indicates when satisfied that communication took place successfully
9. No offensive name-calling, bringing up old arguments, threatening the relationship or comparing to past partners
10. Use "I" statements about what you think, feel, want and need so there is less reason for your partner to feel threatened.
What are the benefits: Open and honest communication every day will help you to understand your partner's needs and get your own met so that you can rebuild a strong, healthy relationship. This kind of communication can help to prevent past cheating from interfering with your happiness, but you must be willing and ready to forgive each other. If you are unable to do so, then seek the advice of a trained love coach or professional therapist to help you with your issues.
Book a Love Coach at: 1-877-40-LOVE-U or click on: http://loveologyuniversity.com/BookALoveCoach.aspx
Or Find a Therapist by going to www.AASECT.ORG
Revelations on Cheating
A huge piece has to be--when, how, why would you lie, deceive, keep secrets, etc. AND TO WHAT DEGREE. I value transparency ... so any lie or deceit would be cheating, whereas any particular intimate behavior probably wouldn't ... Male, 60
I think that cheating is wrong but, much to my surprise, have found myself doing it ... I would not have believed I would ever even be tempted, or think it right to give in to temptation, but a bunch of things changed and surprise surprise! Female, 41
I have cheated to find a better partner, without letting go of the security of having at least some kind of partner. Female, 37
I cheated on my wife for a long time, made excuses and bullshitted myself, but I still don't understand why I did it. I was unhappy with my marriage and too big a coward to end it. I just kept on lying to myself and those around me. Male, 64
There can be extenuating circumstances in any relationship that can lead people to cheat, but I don't believe in it. If you have to lie, something is very wrong. We have an open relationship because we believe that no one person can satisfy another's every need, and that everyone is capable of loving deeply more than one person. Also, sex and love are VERY different, and the idea that you should f*** ONLY the person you love is silly. Female, 47
I haven't been married but I do have friendships with amazing looking married women whom I flirt with all the time. I wouldn't violate anyone's territory so to speak but I can see why people would "cheat" if they found something or someone better and think they could get away with it. Male, 48
All 10 of these short term courses make for great resources to maintain a healthy sexual relationship that may prevent your partner from cheating.
1. Communication Course-- http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/ShortCourseDetails.aspx?CourseID=17
2. Intimacy Course-- http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/ShortCourseDetails.aspx?CourseID=33
3. Couples Enrichment Course-- http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/ShortCourseDetails.aspx?CourseID=37
4. Sexual Fantasies Course-- http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/ShortCourseDetails.aspx?CourseID=43
5. Pleasing a Woman Course-- http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/ShortCourseDetails.aspx?CourseID=35
6. Pleasing a Man Course-- http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/ShortCourseDetails.aspx?CourseID=36
7. Erotic Talk Course-- http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/ShortCourseDetails.aspx?CourseID=38
8. Tantric Sex Course-- http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/ShortCourseDetails.aspx?CourseID=47
9. Sexual Taboos Course-- http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/ShortCourseDetails.aspx?CourseID=48
10. Power Play Course-- http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/ShortCourseDetails.aspx?CourseID=64
11. Dr. Leanne Wolfe--Researcher of LU's Cheating Survey
https://www.loveologyuniversity.com/FCKeditor/editor/filemanager/ connectors/aspx/FckUploadedImages/file/lucheatingsurvey final.pdf
Table of Contents The Loveologist Guide to Cheating Introduction to the Loveologist's Guide to Cheating Section One--Cheating Defined 10 Quick Tips to Catch a Cheater Who Cheats And Why? Overview of Respondents The Definition of Cheating The Difference between Cheating and Sex Addiction 10 Different Types of Cheating The Fear Based Cheater The Ego Based Cheater Different Types of Cheating From Survey Participant Who Cheats And Why? Combo Cheaters Older Cheaters Potential Cheaters Comments 10 Steps to Catch a Cheating Partner Types of Cheaters Secret Lovers Secret Lovers' Reflections Infidelity Confessions Love Work The Do's and Don'ts When You Find Out Your Partner Has Cheated on You Breaking Up is Hard to Do Section Two--Cheating Men Top 10 Signs Your Man is Cheating Top 10 Reasons Men Cheat What Men Want in Bed Whisper Sweet Nothings Give Him a Sexual Massage Mutual Masturbation Fantasies and Role Playing The Art of Striptease Make Him Want a Repeat Performance Joysticks and Other Controls Training for Oral Delights Sexual Shaving Quickies Anal Delight Prostate Massage Solo Exercise Prolonging Your Orgasm with a Partner Section Three--Cheating Women Top 10 Signs Your Woman is Cheating Why Women Cheat on Their Men What Women Want Intimacy Primary Means of Communication Discovery Process The Proper Way to Kiss Female Oral Sex Techniques How to Love a Woman How To Give Your Woman a Sensual Massage How to Find the G-Spot Venus Butterfly Technique and Multiple Orgasms for Women Introducing the We-Vibe Sex Toy Dr. Ava's TriGasm Tantric Kissing Be More Sexy Outside of Bed Section Four--Cheating Prevention Infidelity Rules How do you nurture everlasting love? What Love is Not 12 Tips to Great Sex Sex is Good For Your Health Getting in the Mood Aphrodisiacs Phallic Foods Designed By Nature Aphrodisiacs for Flirting Aphrodisiacs for Seduction Aphrodisiacs for Exploration Aphrodisiac Aromas Now let's have Fun with Food and Sex Psychological Aphrodisiacs Include Boundaries Set Your Boundaries Physical Boundaries Emotional Boundaries Sexual Boundaries Share Your Fantasies Male Fantasies are Female Fantasies are Survey Conclusions 10 Relationship Solutions after Cheating Revelations on Cheating Additional Resources
Overview of Respondents Gender Age Range: Males 43% 17 & under-3% Females 57% < 18-23-20% 24-35-25% Participation in a Cheating Triangle 36-45-23% 46-55-19% 61% have been cheated on 56- 59% have cheated on a partner 65-9% 57 % have been a secret lover 66-75-2% 76 & over-1%
Penile-Vaginal Intercourse 95% Receiving Oral Sex 92% Giving Oral Sex 92% Anal Intercourse 92%
Penile-Vaginal Intercourse 92% Anal Intercourse 92% Receiving Oral Sex 92% Giving Oral Sex 91.6% Mutual Masturbation 90.2% G-spot Massage 89.9%
Males 56.7% 54% between 36 and 55 Females 57.1% 75% between 18 and 45
Clit G-spot Anus Position Finger Forefinger Middle Finger Sitting Vibrator Vibe-Double Head Vibe On Back Rubbing on Finger-Vibe Butt plug Stomach Pillow
Clit G-spot Anus Position Tongue His Forefinger--Palm Up Forefinger Missionary Tilt hips Penis Finger/Vie Woman on Top into him Her fingers His hand above pubic area Penis/Vibe Rear Entry
Phallic Foods Designed By Nature Male: Female: Banana Fig Carrot Peach Turnip Pear Cucumber Kiwi Celery Mango Asparagus Passion Fruit Licorice Pomegranate Zucchini Artichoke Vanilla Bean Oysters Leek Clams Eel Mussels Aphrodisiacs for Flirting Chili --Gets the face flushing, heart pumping, pores Peppers sweating, & blood flowing towards the genitals. Bananas --Contains bufotenine, a chemical that acts on the brain to increase happiness, self-confidence, & sex drive. Carrots --Have strong fibrous ingredients that supercharge the body & lead to a feeling of strong sexual desire. Damiano --This "lover's herb" contains alkaloids, which stimulate blood flow to genitals & increase sensitivity. Clary --Is known for decreasing inhibitions with its Sage relaxing, euphoric, mildly intoxicating effects. Aphrodisiacs for Seduction Oysters --Contain zinc, essential mineral for men needed for sperm production. Also releases testosterone in women. Shrimp --High in iodine, which is needed by the thyroid gland that regulates energy, including sexual energy. Chocolate --Includes caffeine and a plant substance called phytosteral that mimics human sex hormones. Ginger --Comes from the root of the plant & increases blood flow to the genitals in both men and women. Olives --Green ones make men more virile while black ones are believed to increase sex drive for women. Tomatoes --Known as "love apples" & forbidden by Puritans because of its reputation as a potent sexual stimulant. Asparagus --Rich with potassium, phosphorous, calcium, and vitamin E, all vital for increased hormone production. Apples --Ever since Biblical days apples have been known as the fruit of temptation. They are also filled with vitamins, minerals, and enzymes that stimulate sexual desire. Aphrodisiacs for Exploration Licorice --Contains plant estrogens and stimulates the sex glands, bringing oxygen to the female genitals 40% faster. Pumpkin Pie or --The top contender to increase penile blood flow an Pumpkin Seeds average of 40% faster. Muira Puama --The American Journal of Natural Medicine stated: "One of the best herbs to use for erectile dysfunction or lack of libido (also known as potency wood)." Cinnamon --This sweet, spicy flavor and aroma has been used to aid in the treatment of impotence and proven to be sexually stimulating for men. Basil --Considered the sacred herb of India, it awakens the senses, stimulates blood flow, and relieves fatigue. Artichoke --Share this sex vitamin, high in Vitamin C, folic acid, magnesium, and phosphorus with your lover because it's fun to eat together! Celery --Contains androsterone, a powerful male hormone released through sweat glands to attract women. Aphrodisiac Aromas Pheromones --Designed by nature to ensure we attract a biologically suitable mate. Produced in sweat glands that are attached to hair follicles: head, underarms, and genitals. How they work --Pheromones are released into the air from sweat that evaporates from our skin in the 40 million skin cells we shed each day. Erotic aromas --Cinnamon, popcorn, pumpkin pie, and doughnuts. for men Erotic aromas --Melon, chocolate, oranges, and bread. for women Erotic scents --Vanilla, lavender, and Jasmine for men Erotic scents --Musk, orange blossom, and sandalwood for women
Control Chart Sample Have Control Over Have NO Control Over 1. Choice to be positive 1. Sexual chemistry 2. Reward self 2. Other people's perceptions 3. Accept dates 3. How they feel after sex 4. Have fun 4. Having things in common with others 5. Have or not have sex 5. Other people's baggage 6. Ask for needs 6. Illness 7. Give love 7. Destiny 8. Receive or refuse love
Mutual Love Agreement[TM] (MLA) Create your our own "Love Contract" under your own terms Purpose: For any situation in which people are in a relationship, dating or living together; to create and agree on a mutual understanding of relationship boundaries. Why it works: Because both parties are able to express and negotiate their personal needs in a written format and hold each other accountable. How to facilitate it: 1. Draw up your own definition of a relationship agreement using simple and specific guidelines. Create this document together so that neither one feels coerced by the other. 2. Include and list as many categories as you both need and want. For example: social, relationship, sexual, spiritual, family, financial, health, physical, vacation, career, parenting, hobbies, etc. 3. After all of the categories have been filled in by both parties, read and accepted without any uncertainty, both of you should sign and date it. What are the benefits? 4. It is a commitment you have created together that has nothing to do with the government or church. It can be used as an alternative to a prenuptial agreement or marriage certificate, and for all sexual orientations to help avoid conflict during the relationship. However, should the relationship breakdown, it can be used to determine property ownership, debt obligations, support obligations, etc. Disclaimer: This agreement may not be admissible in a court of law unless it is approved by an attorney and notarized. Mutual Love Agreement[TM] By:-- The party of the first part (herein referred to as '--' being of sound mind agrees to the following with the party of the second part "--" FULL DISCLOSURE: (Sample: At the commencement of the Mutual Love Agreement each party agrees to fully disclose any current resentments, health issues, financial problems or relationship concerns)-- DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: (Sample: Both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their relationship: committed, cohabitating and monogamous.)-- GOALS FOR OUR RELATIONS HIP: (Sample: Total honesty, trust, respect and open communication.)-- SOCIAL: (Sample: One night a week is designated to each party to go out separately with friends, business colleagues or family.)-- FINANCIAL: (Sample: Parties will share a joint bank account plus maintain their own individual bank accounts. They will deposit their salary checks into the joint account and pay for living expenses including, but not limited to: rent, groceries, household items, utility bills, dining and vacations. Each party will keep the money they have accumulated before this agreement in their separate individual bank accounts. There will be no financial reimbursement from or to either party if this agreement is terminated.)-- SEXUAL: (Sample: Parties will engage in sexual intercourse at least three (3) times a week, mutual oral sex at least four (4) times a week, anal sex at least one (1) time a month. Give each other an erotic massage one (1) time a week. Watch porn only on weekends, but no more than two movies per weekend, taking turns to choose the movies. Mutual masturbation at least one (1) time on weekends. Unilateral masturbation, anytime.)-- BOUNDARIES: (Sample: No hitting, no spitting, no breaking things, no cheating, no bringing up old lovers, no shouting, no offensive name calling.)-- SPIRITUAL: (Sample: Each party respects the others spiritual beliefs and does not attempt to persuade the other to change their faith.)-- PARENTING: (Sample: When and if the parties do have children, they will be raised with no particular religion, but educated about all of them. Discipline will be mutually administered by both parties. The child or children will have both their mother and father's last name hyphenated with the mother's name first.)-- GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: (Sample: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship: Physical violence, cheating with a man or woman and/or withholding sex for more than a month (unless for a medical reason).)-- Agreed & Accepted, By:--&-- Date:-- Disclaimer: You may want to check with your attorney before entering into any binding agreement.
When Pay attention to: Speaking to each other RULE: do not offend Listening to each other RULE: do not defend Writing a wish list RULE: write, "I wish we ..." Reading a wish list RULE: maintain eye-contact Body Language RULE: no hitting Acknowledging, Paraphrasing and RULE: check in with partner Reflecting each other's Feelings "Reverse Roles" discuss how to RULE: laugh strengthen the relationship from each other's prospective
Erotic activities those who have been cheated on consider cheating Male Female Sexual Intercourse 95% 96% Giving Oral sex 89% 93% Receiving Oral sex 88% 93% Anal Intercourse 92% 91% G-spot Massage 95% 91% Prostate Massage 83% 87% Deep Kissing 73% 89% BDSM 79% 87% Note that there are marked differences between women and men regarding their definitions of cheating for activities that do not directly involve the genitals (BDSM and deep kissing). Note: Table made from bar graph. Activities Those Who Have Been Cheated On Consider Cheating Male Female Naked Cuddling 79% 87% Using Sex Toys 68% 74% Phone Sex 50% 74% Light Kissing 54% 73% Happy Ending to 62% 70% Emotional Intimacy 41% 65% Cyber Sex 44% 65% Clothed Cuddling 48% 64% Dirty Dancing 28% 42% Tantric Breathing 26% 41% Dinner in a Restaurant 30% 41% Note that there are dramatic differences between what females and males regard as cheating, particularly for activities that may engender an emotional connection. Note: Table made from bar graph. Potential Cheaters Status Male Female Cheated On 62% 59% Cheated 57% 67% Note: Table made from bar graph. Potential Cheaters Top Reasons For Why People Cheat Believe They Can Get Away Seek to feel Alive Again Female 34% 33% Males 21% 45% 56-65 25% 46% 46-55 25% 48% 36-45 22% 43% 24-35 32% 31% 18-23 35% 28% Note: Table made from bar graph. Reasons for Why Cheating Could be Acceptable None Seeking Sexual Partner Unable Sexless activities partner to have sex marriage/ won't provide (medical reasons) relationship Total 49% 22% 28% 37% Female 59% 11% 18% 25% Males 37% 36% 40% 53% 56-65 41% 29% 36% 41% 46-55 41% 35% 42% 54% 36-45 46% 22% 31% 43% 24-35 52% 17% 23% 28% 18-23 61% 10% 12% 22% Note: Table made from bar graph. What Secret Lovers Feel About Being Secret Lovers Female Male Exhausting 34% 21% Life Enhancing 18.40% 30.50% Disappointing 41% 15% Scary 38% 40% Satisfying 25% 47% Exciting 68% 77% Note: Table made from bar graph.
|Gale Copyright:||Copyright 2010 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.|